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Old 07-10-2011, 07:27 PM   #1
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The Baha'i and religious humour thread

Hi, I just thought I'd stop by to share some Baha'i and other religious humour that I've collected over the years. Here are a few Baha'i quotations about humour to start with:

Most of those present at this luncheon party knew a little of 'Abdu'l-Bahá's life history, and, presumably, were expecting a dissertation from Him on the Bahá'í Cause. The hostess had suggested to the Master that He speak to them on the subject of Immortality. However, as the meal progressed, and no more than the usual commonplaces of polite society were mentioned, the hostess made an opening, as she thought, for 'Abdu'l-Bahá to speak on spiritual things. His response to this was to ask if He might tell them a story, and he related one of the Oriental tales, of which He had a great store and at its conclusion all laughed heartily. The ice was broken. Others added stories of which the Master's anecdote had reminded them. Then 'Abdu'l-Bahá, His face beaming with happiness, told another story, and another. His laughter rang through the room. He said that the Orientals, had many such stories illustrating different phases of life. Many of them are extremely humorous. It is good to laugh. Laughter is a spiritual relaxation. When they were in prison, He said, and under the utmost deprivation and difficulties, each of them at the close of the day would relate the most ludicrous event which had happened. Sometimes it was a little difficult to find one but always they would laugh until the tears would roll down their cheeks. Happiness, He said, is never dependent upon material surroundings, otherwise how sad those years would have been. As it was they were always in the utmost state of joy and happiness.

That was the nearest approach He came to any reference to Himself or to the Divine Teachings. But over that group before the gathering dispersed, hovered a hush and reverence which no learned dissertation would have caused in them. After the guests had gone, and 'Abdu'l-Bahá was leaving for His hotel, He came close to His hostess and asked her, with a little wistful smile, almost, she was used to say, like a child seeking approbation, if she were pleased with Him. She was never able to speak of this conclusion to the event without deep emotion.
(Howard Colby Ives, Portals to Freedom, p. 119)

He put His two thumbs to my eyes while He wiped the tears from my face; admonishing me not to cry, that one must always be happy. And He laughed. Such a ringing, boyish laugh. It was as though He had discovered the most delightful joke imaginable: a divine joke which only He could appreciate.
(Howard Colby Ives, Portals to Freedom, p. 32)

While in Sari, Quddus frequently attempted to convince Mirza Muhammad-Taqi of the truth of the Divine Message. He freely conversed with him on the most weighty and outstanding issues related to the Revelation of the Báb. His bold and challenging remarks were couched in such gentle, such persuasive and courteous language, and delivered with such geniality and humour, that those who heard him felt not in the least offended. They even misconstrued his allusions to the sacred Book as humorous observations intended to entertain his hearers.
(Shoghi Effendi, The Dawn-Breakers, p. 351)

Last edited by bahaifun; 07-10-2011 at 07:37 PM.
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Old 07-10-2011, 07:28 PM   #2
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Joined: Jul 2011
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Here is a brilliantly witty, satirical, article which defends the innocence of the Baha'i community of Iran:

* 19 Facts about Baha’i spies in Iran

To: The Respected President of the Guinness Book of World Records

Dear Sir,

We would like to nominate Iran for consideration as the world record holder with respect to the nineteen (19) accomplishments below:

1. Iran is the first country in the world to label over 400,000 followers of the same religions as spies.

2. Iran is the first country in the world where spies are freely and openly going about their lives and the government is not apprehensive about them. However, once in a while, a few of these spies are arrested in order to keep the government militia from boredom; then the spies are interrogated for a few months so that interrogators may gain experience. Sometimes, spies are tortured for the practice of the torturers. Ultimately, a few face firing squads for testing of the guns.

3. Iran is the first country in which spies are born as spies. There is no need for the courts to prove the allegations against them since they are innately convicts from birth. They have no rights; therefore, there is no need to consider their civil rights when bringing charges against them.

4. Iran is the first country where if spies recant their faith and convert to Islam, they are no longer spies, but are considered saved.

5. Iran is the first country in which spies, when arrested, have to attend Islamic studies classes – with the aim of their conversion to Islam.

6. Iran is the first country where its spies are secret agents of Britain, Russia, America and Israel, all at the same time. Interestingly, the spies themselves and the leaders of these countries are unaware of such affiliations; only Shariyat-Madari (editor-in-chief of Kayhan, government of Iran backed newspaper) knows.

7. Iran is the first country that has had thousands of spy groups and spy gatherings that have been in contact with the Ministry of Intelligence for the past 25 years.

8. Iran is the first country that banned gatherings of thousands of espionage groups and asked spies to dismantle their assemblies. However, the members of these groups are required to sign pledges consenting that they will not teach their religious beliefs! Even more interesting, members of these groups refuse to sign such pledges.

9. Iran is the first country where spies are not paid. Instead, they spend their own money to tend to the affairs of their community, to eliminate poverty and improve literacy. These activities are the biggest proofs of spying charges against them.

10. Iran is the first country where spies introduce themselves as followers of a religion that the government of Iran equates with espionage. The followers of this religion do not even outwardly hide their convictions to save their own lives.

11. Iran is the first country where spies have established moral and educational courses for their members. Strangely, the government denies them entrance to universities to prevent them from spying in institutions of higher education.

12. Iran is the first country where spies are drafted for two years of obligatory military service. They are even given guns and receive intensive military training.

13. Iran is the first country where spies receive lashes with utmost love; their properties are confiscated with Islamic fairness; they are executed with utmost kindness and Islamic compassion. The government bestows, with utmost friendliness, civil rights specified for spies, in the form of imprisonments, forced free labor, insults and slanders.

14. Iran is the only country in which, there are potentially 40 million spies. Women that ask for the same rights as men are called spies. Men that defend these women are also called spies.

15. Iran is the first country that provides all necessary means for these spies to leave the country and cheers when they have left.

16. Iran is the first country that doesn’t find it necessary to compile documents and evidences to prove espionage charges. Whoever says that he or she is a Baha’i, that person is automatically a spy. Whoever says women are human beings with the same rights as men is a spy. Whoever is engaged in medical research for finding a cure for AIDS is a spy. Whoever establishes an N.G.O. (Non Governmental Organization) for helping children and saving the environment is a spy!

17. Iran is the first country in which at the election time, nobody is labeled spy and all have equal rights and should vote.

18. Iran is the first country in which spies, without any bias and in all fairness, are convicted, sentenced, insulted, and their names publicized by mass media, before they are even tried in courts!

19. Iran is the only country in which Baha’is are not permitted to work in any government office or agency, they hold no position of influence, they have no access to any sensitive or classified document, and they have only opened their little shops and are busy with their businesses, and yet they are still spies!!!
Old 07-10-2011, 07:29 PM   #3
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Baha'i cows separated from Muslim cows
Old 07-10-2011, 07:32 PM   #4
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Top 9 abandoned teaching methods
Top 9 banned bumper stickers
Top 9 signs of the emergence from obscurity
Top 9 misconceptions of new believers
Top 9 least popular souvenirs
Top 9 Ayamiha gift ideas
Top 9 reasons the Fund is in a deficit
Top 9 dumb questions asked at firesides
Top 9 fine prints on the bottom of enrollment cards
Top 9 perils that can befall international travel teachers
Top 9 signs you could use a little more deepening
Top 9 ‘Golden Age’ Disney Remakes
Top 9 NSA pet peeves
Top 9 rejected slogans for the national media ad campaign
Top 9 post Golden Age Movies
Top 9 things overheard at 'Regional Baha'i Council' orientation meeting
Top 9 Pick-up Lines at the Arizona Conference
Top 9 dead giveaways someone isn't fasting
Top 9 signs you're a bad teacher
Top 9 signs its going to be a long feast

Top 9 abandoned teaching methods

9. 1-900 line where callers learn about the principles by smooth female voices for $2.99 per minute
8. 30 minute infomercial starring Jay "the juiceman" Kordich presenting his new juicer that extracts prejudices of all kinds
7. 'One Planet, One People Please' blimp at Monday Night Football games
6. man dressed in rabbit outfit holding up "mankind is one" sign and waving at cars passing by in front of the Baha’i Center
5. "free toaster offer to all new declarants throughout the month of Jamal"
4. booth at the annual KKK convention
3. tattooing 9 pointed star on left shoulder
2. retro-70’s nights at the House of Worship every third Friday of the month
1. firesides conducted in Persian

Top 9 banned bumper stickers


Top 9 signs of the emergence from obscurity

9. Jeopardy Category: "Haifa Potpourri"
8. Spike Lee will direct "Louis G." and sell 100 million hats with the letter 'G' stitched on them
7. 'One Planet, One People Please' will be sung before baseball games
6. supermarkets will close their doors from sunrise to sunset during fast
5. S.O.B. will become the universal acronym for 'Son of Being'
4. Andy Rooney will begin his segment with: "why is it called the seven valleys and the four valleys, why not just call it the eleven valleys?"
3. The #1 daytime soap is: "As the Seeker Turns"
2. WLGI wins top broadcasting awards for its hour long daily show: "The Promised Day is Come, with your host Howard Stern"
1. "Don't answer the door honey, its probably just the Bahai's"

Top 9 misconceptions of new believers

9. "The Hidden Words" is a take off on "Wheel of Fortune"
8. covenant breakers are a gang armed with sledge hammers
7. The Universal House of Justice is a subsidiary of the International House of Pancakes
6. shovels required at all deepenings
5. "One Planet, One People, Please" is a quote by Tonto
4. the appropriate gift on the first day of Ridvan is a partridge in a pear tree
3. The Tablet of Ahmad is an Arabic vitamin
2. Hand of the Cause is that character who was kept in a box in the Addams Family
1. the nineteen day feast is a three week festival of gluttony

Top 9 least popular souvenirs

9. weathered and outdated "third most widespread religion in the world" buttons
8. orange juice squeezer in shape of Wilmette House of Worship
7. nine pointed ninja stars
6. Happy "End of Year of Patience" greeting cards
5. the "Dawn-Breakers" alarm clock with permanent preset to go off at 4:30 a.m. every morning
4. car window sun shield marked: "Blocking everything except the Light of Guidance"
3. compass with a "Q"- direction to the Qiblih
2. "Mankind is One" shot glasses
1. Complete video set of "The World Congress"- on beta

Top 9 Ayamiha gift ideas

9. The Seals & Croft Christmas Album
8. Mirza Yahya's excavated cookbook entitled 'What To Serve Your Favorite Brother'
7. "Persian time / actual time" pocket conversion table
6. "The Baha'is" Magazine ... swimsuit edition
5. Richard Simmons new exercise video: Sweatin' to the Music of the World Congress
4. coffee mug with obligatory prayer imprinted on it in order to pump your heart as well as your spirit in one shot
3. complete set of NSA Trading Cards including the priceless Glenford Mitchell Rookie Card
2. The Backbiting Withdrawal Patch
1. Leather-Bound collection of all the top 9's

Top 9 reasons the Fund is in a deficit

9. The friends are saving up their money to buy feast refreshments for the coming of entry by troops
8. The fund report is never translated
7. One half of contributions is spent on treasurer's elaborate goal charts
6. Fund-raising committee members are comprised of ex Lincoln Savings & Loans tellers
5. Since the publication of The Kitab-I-Aqdas, the best paying jobs have pretty much been outlawed
4. Still recovering from the Hooked on Phonics purchase to help spell and pronounce "Huquqú'lláh" properly
3. Inadvertently applied the "lesser peace" theory to giving a "lesser piece" of income
2. No Budweiser ads in the 'American Baha'i'
1. Spiritual recession

Top 9 dumb questions asked at firesides

9. "so if I sign this, I actually get a free life-time subscription to the American Baha'i?"
8. "do schizophrenic Baha'is also believe in the oneness of man?"
7. "Mt. Carmel...isn't that somewhere in Utah?"
6. "is it possible that 'Jive' might by some sort of miracle become this universal language?"
5. "so during the Golden Age, will my monthly credit card statements come every 19 days?"
4. "didn't Steve Mcqueen escape from this Siah-Chal in 'Papillon'?"
3. "do LSA members wear raccoon hats at their meetings?"
2. "no priests...who puts the little bread wafer in your mouths?"
1. "come on, is Alex Rocco really a Baha'i?"

Top 9 fine prints on the bottom of enrollment cards

9. cash value 1/20 of 1˘
8. not affiliated with the 'BAJA-EASE Immigration Services Group'
7. Utah Residents: void if combined with any polygamous promotions
6. not a multi-level or network marketing concept
5. declarant not obligated to attend fundraisers headlined with Persian singers
4. no cover - two prayer minimum
3. backbiting quencheth the light of the heart, and may cause tooth decay
2. NC-15
1. signing does not constitute automatic entry into Abha Kingdom

Top 9 perils that can befall international travel teachers

9. Africa: you are teaching a cannibalistic tribe in the deep jungles of Madagascar and you find out a little too late that 'Baha'i' is their term for "cook me"
8. Tokyo: charged and arrested for conspiracy to arson after handing out copies of "Japan Will Turn Ablaze"
7. France: you are beaten to a pulp by a crowd of rude Parisians after explaining to them that French hasn't got the remotest chance of becoming the universal auxiliary language
6. Singapore: caned 9 times for spray painting wage peace on parked cars
5. Italy: given honorary cement shoes and last seen diving in the Mediterranean after explaining to Vatican visitors about the eradication of clergies
4. Monte Carlo: before finishing speech on elimination of extreme wealth and poverty, you are escorted to airport and put on a first class, one-way route to New Delhi
3. Saudi Arabia: you are explaining the principle of the equality of the sexes to the three wives of the hot-tempered Sheik as he is about to show you his collection of swords and muskets
2. India: after stating that there is only one God, you are warmly hugged and kissed by a group of veiled Hindus whom you discover a year later were lepers
1. Tehran: "cab the Baha'i center please"

Top 9 signs you could use a little more deepening

9. you think 'progressive revelation' is just a fancy word for 'stripping'
8. you go to feast wearing a dinner jacket
7. you've taken warning and built a shelter in order to protect yourself from entry by those dreaded troops
6. you think that 'Secret of Divine Civilization' is a mystery novel
5. the only thing you know about Akká, is that it is the same word spelled backwards
4. you take marshmallows to firesides
3. you're worried about your chances of getting audited by the Huqúqu'llah Committee
2. your interpretation of the Four Year Plan: interested seekers can declare for a 4 year trial period without any further obligations
1. 1844? army time for 6:44 p.m.

Top 9 ‘Golden Age’ Disney Remakes

9. Herbie Goes on Pilgrimage
8. The Shaggy Auxiliary Board Member
7. James and the Giant Seeker
6. 9 Dalmatians
5. Snow White and the Seven Assembly Members
4. Honey I Shrunk The House of Worship
3. The Apple Dumpling Gang Pays Huququ’llah
2. Beauty and the Feast
1. FAITHtasia

Top 9 NSA pet peeves

9. on all outgoing correspondence, the ‘spell check’ stops at "NSA" and recommends to replace it with: "NASA"
8. on group outings to the amusement park, there’s always an odd man out for the roller-coaster ride
7. the 4 Year Plan countdown ball in the consultation room
6. "The American Baha’i" paparazzi staking out around the House of Worship before meetings
5. darn youth always teaching and delaying pizza delivery man BEFORE he makes his delivery
4. its hard to pull a fast one with 2 judges present
3. treasurer always sarcastically begins fund report with: "you’re NOT gonna believe how much was contributed this month...nah, just kiddin', we’re still in the hole..."
2. as if we didn’t have enough administrative bodies to govern, now we get this RBC
1. "can’t we just buy a multiple tape deck recorder so he doesn’t have to read the Feast message 2,500 times?"

Top 9 rejected slogans for the national media ad campaign

9. Give Us a Week, We’ll Take Off the Prejudice
8. Did Somebody Say ‘Equality’
7. I Can’t Believe It’s Not Buddhism
6. The Official Religion of Seals and Croft
5. Uniting the World, Since 1844
4. No Hidden Messages, Only Hidden Words
3. God Passes By, So Hop On
2. Where Do You Want To Be in the Next World
1. Got Faith?

Top 9 post Golden Age Movies

9. "Declaration on the Orient Express"
8. "Rebel Without a Hand of the Cause"
7. "An American in Bahji"
6. "Dawn Breaker Morant"
5. "Born on the Fourth of Ridvan"
4. "Dances With Son of Wolf"
3. "Dial F for Fireside"
2. "Star Trek 34: The true seeker's search for Spock"
1. "9 1/2"

Top 9 things overheard at 'Regional Baha'i Council' orientation meeting

9. "forget the issues- what did the round-trip cost you?"
8. "actually we have met before- we were both bidding on that Persian carpet at last year's Naw-Ruz fundraiser"
7. "if this goes well, maybe I'll be promoted to the NSA"
6. "o.k....last offer, we'll trade you Iowa for Florida"
5. "more 'entry by troops' punch for table 6 please"
4. "oh yeah, well I got in with only 40 votes!!"
3. "due to the fund deficit, please save your paper cups for the next meeting"
2. "sure, Vegas is a pretty central location for the next meeting"
1. "And now for your entertainment pleasure -- the Regional Baha'i Councillette Dancers!"

Top 9 Pick-up Lines at the Arizona Conference

9. " you pray around here often?"
8. "did you know I was in the L.A. workshop for a couple of years?"
7. "how'd you like Lesley & Kelley's last album?"
6. "got any plans after the 'progressive revelation' seminar?"
5. "I seem to have misplaced my program, can you tell me the name of the judge who's speaking?"
4. "you know, I don't just say this to anybody, but I think our moms would really get along."
3. "what's a nice girl like you doing in a conference like this?"
2. "you look familiar....last year's conference, right?"
1. "do you speak Persian?"
Top 9 "dead giveaways someone isn't fasting"

9. constantly goes to the bathroom
8. garlic breath at noon
7. toothpick in mouth all day
6. reads long prayer for fast
5. stumbles and stuters when asked "what time is sunset?"
4. ketchup stain on coat sleeve
3. asks you for a tic-tac
2. keeps reiterating that 'unconscious eating is not breaking the fast'
1. speaks logically
Top 9 signs you're a bad teacher

9. a friend asks to borrow your copy of Some Answered Questions and you request a security deposit
8. you wear your "mankind is one" sweatshirt inside out
7. you teach by living the life of a counter-example
6. you pick up hitchhikers and threaten to crash into oncoming traffic unless they declare
5. each year you talk someone out of the Faith
4. the guy sitting next to you on the plane asks you about the book you're reading--Advent of Divine Justice--and you tell him he's going to experience the advent of your divine fist if he interrupts you again while you're reading
3. one of the goals of the teaching committe is to stop you from teaching
2. you've encountered most of your receptive seekers at 'Greatful Dead' concerts
1. you're travel Israel

Top 9 signs its going to be a long feast

9. opening prayer is a Persian chant of The Tablet of Ahmad
8. "we'll now adjourn to the other room for a short video"
7. the refreshments have turned into dried fruit and iced tea
6. treasurer pulls out a stack of easy to follow charts on "how to attain our goal"
5. "please return to the first room for a translation of the video"
4. the children are leafing through the Persian prayer book
3. more people in the kids' room than at consultation
2. everybody is volunteering to read the closing prayer
1. feast begins exactly at 8....Persian time!

Copyright All Rights Reserved, 1995-1998
Old 07-10-2011, 07:33 PM   #5
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Joined: Jul 2011
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Posts: 5

1. Don't let worry kill you - let the church help.

2. Thursday night - Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we
have a nursery downstairs.

5. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the
birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs Belzer.

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and
North ends of the church. Children will be baptised at both ends.

7. Tuesday at 4.00pm there will be an icecream social. All
ladies giving milk please come early.

8. Wednesday,the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs Jones
will sing, "Put Me In My Little Wooden Bed" accompanied by the

9. Thursday at 5.00pm there will be a meeting of the Little
Mother's Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the
minister in his study.

10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs Lewis to come
forward and lay an egg on the altar.

11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One
of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation
will join in.

12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray
the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the
new carpet will come forward and do so.

13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every
kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the
church hall. Music will follow.

15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be
"What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Old 07-10-2011, 08:03 PM   #6
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From: Hyrule
Posts: 1,055
Baha'i cows separated from Muslim cows

Old 07-11-2011, 07:54 AM   #7
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Joined: Mar 2010
From: Rockville, MD, USA
Posts: 1,354

I like the anecdote about the community that had a big Naw Ruz party, for which the hostess had even roasted a turkey!

Before they all began to eat, a new Baha'i was asked to say a prayer.

He took a prayer book, opened it at random, and began to recite:

"O God! This is a broken-winged bird, and its flight is very slow."


Old 07-15-2011, 08:55 AM   #8
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From: Louisiana
Posts: 1,758
I want to know

If you are a Persian Baha'i whose family pioneers to China and you grow up there, do you have Persian, Arabic, Chinese, AND English PC keyboards?

Is the Nightingale of Paradise's name, Lo?*

If we don't feast at Feast, and slow down during Fast, are we confused?

If the diaspora refers to the Jews who lived beyond the Holy Land, is dispersian the term for Baha'i pioneers from Iran?

Did the Baha'i chicken cross the road to teach the Faith or to avoid feed during Fast?

A rabbi, a priest, and a Baha'i die and meet at St Peter's Gate to be admitted to heaven. St Peter says I have a question for each of you to enter. He asks the rabbi, name the miracles of Moses. The rabbi answers and enters. St Peter asks the priest who were the disciples of Christ, the priest answers and enters. St Peter turns to the Baha'i and says, "Spell Huqu'qu'llah!"*

If you trust in God and you tie your camel, but he's gone when you come back, did God take him?

If Muslim cows mix with Baha'i cows and become heretical cows, do they give sour cream?

Do you have to have been robbed to understand THIEF IN THE NIGHT?

If Baha'is can't drink how can wine astonish them?

If you were a pastafarian and become a Baha'i then can you start eating sphaghetti or is it disrespectful? Does it matter if it is with or without meatballs?

*not original

Last edited by cire perdue; 07-15-2011 at 11:21 AM.
Old 02-26-2012, 06:05 PM   #9
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From: Georgia
Posts: 70

Old 02-27-2012, 02:31 AM   #10
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From: Australia
Posts: 507
Has anyone seen this one?

(Hope no-one finds these offensive!).

stuff baha'is say - YouTube
Old 02-27-2012, 03:52 AM   #11
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From: Australia
Posts: 2,056
Thats a classic (above).
Old 02-27-2012, 05:07 AM   #12
Joined: Feb 2011
From: The Netherlands
Posts: 84
A story about Shoghi Effendi's childhood (in The Priceless Pearl):

"He also tells us the story of Shoghi Effendi's first Tablet from 'Abdu'l-Bahá. Dr Baghdadi states that when Shoghi Effendi was only five years old he was pestering the Master to write something for him, whereupon 'Abdu'l-Bahá wrote this touching and revealing letter in His own hand:
He is God!

O My Shoghi, I have no time to talk, leave me alone! You said

"write" - I have written. What else should be done? Now is not the time

for you to read and write, it is the time for jumping about and chanting

"O My God!", therefore memorize the prayers of the Blessed Beauty and

chant them that I may hear them, because there is no time for anything

It seems that when this wonderful gift reached the child he set himself to memorize a number of Bahá'u'lláh's prayers and would chant them so loudly that the entire neighbourhood could hear his voice; when his parents and other members of the Master's family remonstrated with him, Shoghi Effendi replied, according to Dr Baghdadi, "The Master wrote to me to chant that He may hear me! I am doing my best!" and he kept on chanting at the top of his voice for many hours every day. Finally his parents begged the Master to stop him, but He told them to let Shoghi Effendi alone."

Baha'i Naw-Ruz Rickrolled
Baha'i Naw-Ruz Rickrolled - YouTube

Last edited by Eric; 02-27-2012 at 05:26 AM.
Old 02-27-2012, 09:21 AM   #13
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From: Louisiana
Posts: 1,758
The things Baha'is say had me belly laughing. I choked. It was wonderful, wonderful, especailly "womb" got even better after's wonderful wonderful, wonderful, oops, I learned how to type wonderful wonderful, see I can't type it just once, once once...........
Old 02-27-2012, 05:55 PM   #14
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From: California
Posts: 4,303
"In My Name, the Humourist"

"In My Name, the Humourist"

this is actually a provisional translation of a Tablet by Baha'u'llah!

UHJ letter: humorist.html


Often the Trustee of Bahá'u'lláh was unable to fully cover the expenses of the Bahá'í teachers and those in need. Of course, Haji Amin, the Trustee, was not pleased about this.

In one of His Tablets Bahá'u'lláh makes a sweet and humorous remark about His Trustee. He says:

"We must impose a fine upon Jinab-i-Amin! We have one treasurer
and he is bankrupt! Gracious God, there is one treasury belonging
to God and that is empty of funds. Indeed, by virtue of its exalted
station, such a treasury ought to be freed and sanctified from
earthly things and not be confused with the treasuries of the


[343 Unpublished, Iran National Bahá'í Archives, no. 27, pp. 206-7.]

~ Adib Taherzadeh, The Child of the Covenant, p. 397

When on a visit to 'Akká, Bahá'u'lláh occasionally visited the homes of His companions. This was a great honour that He bestowed on His loved ones. The same Haji Muhammad-Tahir has recorded the following story:

My residence, together with that of Nabil-i-A'zam, was close to the
home of Aqay-i-Kalim which was situated in the Suq-i-Abyad.

Since I used to bid beads[1] quite frequently, one day Nabil seized my prayer
beads and hung them high up from the ceiling so that I could not reach

That day I was staying in his room as his guest when the
Blessed Beauty arrived and honoured us with His presence. He asked Nabil
in an amused tone,

'Whose prayer bead, are those that you have imprisoned

Nabil said, 'They belong to Aqa Tahir . . .'

[1 It was a custom among the Persians to choose at random a number of beads, and by counting them in a certain manner determine which course of action would be best to follow in a given situation. (A.T.)]

Remarks such as this or trivial matters always helped the believers to feel relaxed in Bahá'u'lláh's presence.

~ Adib Taherzadeh, The Revelation of Baha'u'llah v 4, p. 243

No matter how relaxed or arduous life might be, 'Abdu'l-Bahá always found or recalled a humorous situation.

A cat purring beside His chair would amuse Him: this cat, He remarked, is indeed joyous, so carefree, so free of fear.

A donkey standing in the street made Him remember that He saw no donkeys anywhere in the United States, and reminded Him of a polar bear in the Paris Zoo. People were staring at the bear, He said, and the animal was staring back, as if wanting to say: how did I get entangled with these folk?

A man passing by the gates of 'Abdu'l-Bahá's house in Haifa, carrying a basket, put it down as soon as he saw Him, saying that he could not find a porter and had to carry the basket himself. 'Abdu'l-Bahá remarked afterwards that a man should not feel ashamed of doing useful work.

Someone had written to ask where 'Abdu'l-Bahá was. Tell him, 'Abdu'l-Bahá replied with a smile: in front of a cannon

~ H.M. Balyuzi, Abdu'l-Baha - The Centre of the Covenant, p. 415
Old 02-27-2012, 06:13 PM   #15
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From: California
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When I was on pilgrimage in 1975 I met Mr. Fujita.. there was a Feast and he along with some others were gathering there.. Mr. Fujita was laughing or giggling and so was the person next to him before the prayers began .. I also began to grin and laugh as it was so unexpected..

but here is a story told by Fujita about Abdul-Baha in an interview with Sylvia Ioas in 1965:

Oh! He was so happy! There is many Persian believers wait, there standing, and He was walking in the garden, up and down, you know. It was early in the morning, when that, 9, about 9 o'clock. Usually `Abdu'l-Bahá take a little walk up and down, visit the pilgrims. Mostly Persian pilgrims those days, early time. Then, from there `Abdu'l-Bahá said "Come on, I will introduce you to My family." Then I went in Greatest Holy Leaf's room and met all the ladies of the Household ever since they are in Haifa. Although I haven't served very much, you see I stayed with `Abdu'l-Bahá, ah, two years. I used to go around everywhere. Always He ask me to go with Him. Even on the Christmas Day, we have a little church here, behind the Master's house, we call on them. Have taken a picture too, with Master and ah, minister and myself. Once we have a walk up to the, I mean, a drive up to the college, up to top of mountain. There used to be a German hospice and, ah, we had a key and looking over, I says, "`Abdu'l-Bahá, this is a wonderful place, and, I like have such a place like this." "What?" he said, "You small man, you want a big house like this? Little chicken coop is good enough for you!" He laughed, and then He said "Never mind, in the future you will have the best place in the world."

Interview of Sachiro Fujita bySylvia Ioas
Old 03-18-2013, 05:19 AM   #16
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From: Quilimari,Chile
Posts: 4,213
Dear Friends I would like to add a little humour here, I received it from a Christian friend.
Australians will see the humour and hopefully others as well. It is a skit on the David and Goliath story. I trust that I will not be taken to task for continuing an old thread, why should I start a new one. Please inform me if I am wrong, I have been taken to task over this in the past but given no reason as to why. Now the story is rather long so I will cut into Three Parts, Part one:-


The Aussie ’True Blue’ Version

The ANZACS stood on the hill on one side of Snake Gully, and the Philistine bush wackers stood on the other. The enemy had a great lump of a bloke called Goliath who was so tall that his mates called him Lofty. Fair dinkum, he was so tall that if he fell over he would be half way home! He had a skid lid of solid brass on his noggin, armor all over him, and a spear as big as a stringy bark tree. Goliath stood and hollered out, “Come on out and fight ya mob of dingoes! Pick out a bloke and let’s see what he’s made of. If he can bump me off, we’ll be your roustabouts and vice versa.”

This really scared the living daylights out of the ANZACS. It put the wind up em good and proper. “If only we had Ned Kelly here.” They said. Even the Prime Minister was really packing it.

Now Dave was the youngest son of Jesse, from a one horse town out behind the black stump. Jesse had eight kids, and was over the hill, just about ready to kick the bucket. The three oldest boys were Lighthorsemen in the army but Dave worked for his old man as a sheep musterer. One day Dad says to Dave, “Come here kid, and take this tucker to your brothers in the army. Give a bit to the C.O. as well, so he’ll give your brothers a fair go. Now stop muckin’ about or I’ll give ya a smack in the ear’ole”!

So Dave got up before the crows, picked up his swag and headed off to see his brothers. It took so long he had to stop for a smoko on the way. Boil the billy and have a cuppa. Meanwhile, the ANZACS were up the creek without a paddle. They were so desperate that the Prime Minister even offered to get his daughter hitched to the first bloke who would take on the big yobbo. And she was quite a Sheila! And they would get a pile of dough to boot. But still no-one would have a go!
Old 03-18-2013, 05:20 AM   #17
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From: Quilimari,Chile
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David V Goliath part two:-

When Dave found one of his brothers, he said, “G’day Bluey How ya goin mate?” Bluey then went on to tell Dave what the giant had been saying about the ANZACS.

Dave replied, “Who does this great big nong think he is? He’s got more front than a rat with gold teeth! Just let me have a go at the big galah. I’ll do him like a dinner.”

So Bluey fair did his block. “Who do ya thing you are, you little drongo. You’d better stop shooting your mouth off or you’ll come a proper cropper.”

“Strike a light! Don’t jump down me throat.” Said Dave.

“Why you couldn’t fight your way out of a wet paper bag, you little bludger,” said Bluey.

When Dave’s second eldest brother, Bazza, heard what Dave was saying, he laughed his head off and said, “Stone the crows, Dave, what do ya think this is? Have you gone troppo or somethin’?”

Dave’s third brother, Chooka just looked at Dave like he’d gone fair round the bend and said. “Why ya little dag, just get off back to the bush where ya belong?”

Dave then went off to see the P.M. and told him he would give it a go. The P.M. laughed and said “You’ve got two chances of killing old Lofty mate. Your’s and Buckley’s!”

“I dunno” said Dave. “The Lord helped me kill a dingo and a croc with my bare hands. I reckon He could help me knock this drongo’s block off!”

When the P.M. saw that Dave was fair dinkum, he gave Dave a great stack of his armor, but it was far too big for him. Dave could hardly move. “Strewth mate, I’m trussed up like Don Bradman in all this flash gear.”

Then he laughed and said: “No worries mate. She’ll be right!”

So Dave walked out to meet Goliath carrying only his shanghai. When Goliath saw him, he laughed his head off saying “What do you think I am, kid, a galah? Just take one step closer and you’ll get the biggest knuckle sandwich you’ve ever seen.”
Old 03-18-2013, 05:22 AM   #18
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From: Quilimari,Chile
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David v Goliath Part 3:-

“Come off the grass!” Dave yelled back. “Just because you’ve got a head like a hub cap you think you’re a big wheel. Why I’ve seen better heads on a beer! And I’ve got some news for ya, I’ll do you like a dinner in the name of the Lord.”

Goliath took off running at Dave like a mad scrubber bull. Davey popped a gibber into his shanghai, whirled it round his head and let ‘er go. It went like a rocket, and hit ‘Lofty’ fair in the scone.

“Howzat!” shouted the ANZACS with one voice.

Dave fair rocked old Goliath to sleep, something entered his noggin for the first time. He went out like a light and carked it on the spot. Dave ran over took out the giant’s sword and lopped off his noggin. “Good on ya mate” yelled the diggers! As they all came running down the side of the hill singing “Come on Aussie come on!”

Later on, the P.M. asked his off-sider who this Dave bloke was and where he came from. His reply was that Dave came from the other side of the black stump where the crows fly backwards to keep the dust out of their eyes. The P.M. just shook his head and said “What a little bewdy!”

(with respect to the King James Bible.
Col Stringers Ministries, P.O. Box 3554 Robina Town Centre, Qld. 4230)
Old 03-18-2013, 06:00 AM   #19
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Joined: Jan 2012
From: China
Posts: 640
Comic relief. I love it!

I agree with Bill Sears about laughter. Look at the joke Jesus played on the apostles after His ressurection!
Old 03-18-2013, 06:39 AM   #20
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From: United States
Posts: 601
A Catholic priest, a Lutheran minister and an Evangelical preacher are sitting around one evening, discussing religion, when the phone rings. Since they are in the priest's quarters, he gets up to answer it.

He listens for a while, hangs up, and then turns to the others, looking very serious.

"My friends," he says, "I have some good news and some bad news."

"Do tell," the minister says.

The priest replies," that was the Lord Jesus on the phone, and He's back."

"Glory be!" shouts the preacher. "What possible bad news could there be now?"

"Well," the priest replies with a sigh. "He was calling from Salt Lake City."
Old 03-18-2013, 04:12 PM   #21
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From: Quilimari,Chile
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OK I trust I will not offend anyone, there were three priests having a debate one of the priests was a woman she argued one way and the two men the other way.

She became very frustrated but did not wish to lose her temper so she suggested that she would ask God to cause some miraculous happening as proof of what she was saying.
The two men agreed.

So she prayed and prayed suddenly a little cloud appeared overhead and there was a little rumble and a lightning bolt shot out of it.

There you are she cried with glee.
No no said the men that is just a natural happening nothing at all miraculous.

Grr she said OK and started to pray again, this time the sky rapidly darkened with load rumblings and a huge lightening blast shot down totally destroying a tree near by.
Now she cried jumping up and down see that.
No no again said the men again that is just a normal natural event.

Well now the woman was incensed with their refusal to accept her argument.
She prayed loudly dear God you have to do something that these men can not say is just a natural event.

Suddenly a loud voice boomed from the sky, shaking the very ground they stood upon.
She is right, it boomed.

Well she leaped up and down in great excitement shouting see see I am right.
No no said the men it is still only two against two.

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