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Old 01-27-2015, 08:04 AM   #1
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Dont mess with seniors

I have placed this in the youth folder, for those who are still young at heart.


$2.99 SPECIAL

I love it! If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors, this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet, God willing... someday youwill be.

The 2.99 Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said, 'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS! WE'VE been around the block more than once!

Even non-seniors will appreciate it!~~~Your day will come!~~~
 
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Old 01-27-2015, 08:08 AM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlinkeyBill View Post
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
HA HA! Senior, my foot! That lady is still as sharp as a tack, God bless her!

Wonderful!
 
Old 01-27-2015, 08:19 AM   #3
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Funny stuff!

I immediately thought of Jack Nicholson in 'Five Easy Pieces'.


[Bobby wants plain toast, which isn't on the menu]

Bobby: I'd like an omelet, plain, and a chicken salad sandwich on wheat toast, no mayonnaise, no butter, no lettuce. And a cup of coffee.

Waitress: A #2, chicken salad sand. Hold the butter, the lettuce, the mayonnaise, and a cup of coffee. Anything else?

Bobby: Yeah, now all you have to do is hold the chicken, bring me the toast, give me a check for the chicken salad sandwich, and you haven't broken any rules.

Waitress: You want me to hold the chicken, huh?

Bobby: I want you to hold it between your knees.
 
Old 01-27-2015, 08:25 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlinkeyBill View Post
I have placed this in the youth folder, for those who are still young at heart.


$2.99 SPECIAL

I love it! If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors, this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet, God willing... someday youwill be.

The 2.99 Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said, 'But I don't want the eggs.'

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS! WE'VE been around the block more than once!

Even non-seniors will appreciate it!~~~Your day will come!~~~
hahaha, such a wise wife i enjoyed the story...how can a person become a senior member in the forum (like you and Josh) ? is it because of age?
 
Old 01-27-2015, 08:32 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maryamr View Post
hahaha, such a wise wife i enjoyed the story...how can a person become a senior member in the forum?
maryamr, take a peek... you are now officially listed as a 'senior member'! I think it just relates to the # of posts a person has.
 
Old 01-27-2015, 08:41 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by maryamr View Post
hahaha, such a wise wife i enjoyed the story...how can a person become a senior member in the forum (like you and Josh) ? is it because of age?
Ha ha maybe you are now my older sister
 
Old 01-27-2015, 09:18 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Josh View Post
maryamr, take a peek... you are now officially listed as a 'senior member'! I think it just relates to the # of posts a person has.
ohhhooohh!!! I hadn't seen i am a senior member as well!!
 
Old 01-27-2015, 09:19 AM   #8
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Ha ha maybe you are now my older sister
hahaha who knows?maybe
 
Old 01-27-2015, 12:18 PM   #9
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Don't Mess With Seniors

A married couple are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George .
Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too
tired to continue, and decided to take a room.
But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get
back on the road. When they checked out four hours later,
the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He
told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't
worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00
is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel
has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were
available for them to use.


"But we didn't use them," the husband said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken
in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best
entertainers from New York , Hollywood ,
and Las Vegas perform here", the Manager says.



"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned,
the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed
to pay. As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write
the check. She did and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But ma'am, this is only made out for $50.00."

''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me,"
she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager..
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."



Don't mess with senior citizens.
They didn't get there by being stupid!
 
Old 01-27-2015, 03:58 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maryamr View Post
ohhhooohh!!! I hadn't seen i am a senior member as well!!
Congratulations on becoming a senior and long may your wisdom continue to educate and inspire us
 
Old 01-27-2015, 11:21 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aidan View Post
Congratulations on becoming a senior and long may your wisdom continue to educate and inspire us
thank you Aidan I am reminded of the story of Ugly Duckling (Hans Christian Anderson) at the point when the ugly bird suddenly realizes that he has suddenly changed into a beautiful bird!
 
Old 01-27-2015, 11:22 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blinkeybill View Post
don't mess with seniors

a married couple are traveling by car from victoria to prince george .
Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too
tired to continue, and decided to take a room.
But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get
back on the road. When they checked out four hours later,
the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He
told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't
worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00
is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the manager.
The manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel
has an olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were
available for them to use.


"but we didn't use them," the husband said.
''well, they are here, and you could have," explained the manager.
The manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken
in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "we have the best
entertainers from new york , hollywood ,
and las vegas perform here", the manager says.



"but we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.
"well, we have them, and you could have," the manager replied.
No matter what amenity the manager mentioned,
the husband replied, "but we didn't use it!"

the manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed
to pay. As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write
the check. She did and gave it to the manager.
The manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"but ma'am, this is only made out for $50.00."

''that's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me,"
she replied.
"but i didn't!" exclaims the manager..
"well, too bad, i was here, and you could have."



don't mess with senior citizens.
They didn't get there by being stupid!
:d :d :d
 
Old 01-28-2015, 05:10 AM   #13
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Sometimes we old folk make mistakes

Sometimes we old folk make mistakes

The following is a true story. An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.

The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags
into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so
shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and then drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter. He pointed to the other
end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.
 
Old 01-28-2015, 09:25 AM   #14
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Don't Mess With Seniors
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"


The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up..

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with seniors!
 
Old 01-28-2015, 10:08 AM   #15
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From: Blue Planet
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlinkeyBill View Post
Don't Mess With Seniors
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"


The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up..

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with seniors!
hahaha excellent. I should never try to examine seniors' wisdom
but the riddle reminds me of another riddle i have in my mind. this is the question:
what is that creature who walks on four foot in the morning, with two at noon and with three foot in the evening???
 
Old 01-28-2015, 10:31 AM   #16
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From: Florida
Posts: 949
Quote:
Originally Posted by maryamr View Post
hahaha excellent. I should never try to examine seniors' wisdom
but the riddle reminds me of another riddle i have in my mind. this is the question:
what is that creature who walks on four foot in the morning, with two at noon and with three foot in the evening???
I'll try that one. A man.

As an infant...as an adult...and when elderly (with a cane)
 
Old 01-28-2015, 10:38 AM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Josh View Post
I'll try that one. A man.

As an infant...as an adult...and when elderly (with a cane)
TRUE (so fast you answered!)
 
Old 01-28-2015, 12:59 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maryamr View Post
TRUE (so fast you answered!)
Our Josh is not just all good looks, as the wise one who has never seen him said. big smile
 
Old 01-28-2015, 03:26 PM   #19
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From: n ireland
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BlinkeyBill View Post
Don't Mess With Seniors
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"


The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up..

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Don't mess with seniors!
This is brilliant!!!
 
Old 01-29-2015, 07:50 AM   #20
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So happy to see people laughing and happy, we sometimes I feel get too caught up in this life and forget to relax and laugh.
Remember who our example is, and meditate upon his example re laughter and happiness.

Love to all
 
Old 01-29-2015, 09:20 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by BlinkeyBill View Post
So happy to see people laughing and happy, we sometimes I feel get too caught up in this life and forget to relax and laugh.
Remember who our example is, and meditate upon his example re laughter and happiness.

Love to all
yes. thank you dear "senior brother"
 
Old 01-29-2015, 10:20 AM   #22
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"How many points to get into Heaven?"

A man dies and goes to heaven.
St. Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and says, "Here's how it works.
You need 100 points to make it into heaven.
You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was.
When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, and loved her deep in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St.Peter, "that's worth two points!"

"Only two points?" the man says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithes and service."

"Terrific!" says St.Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."

"One point!?!! I started a soup kitchen in my city and also worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," St.Peter says.

"Two points!?!!" Exasperated, the man cries, "At this rate, the only way I'll get into heaven is by the grace of God."

'Bingo! 100 points ! Come on in!'
 
Old 01-29-2015, 11:08 AM   #23
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From: Florida
Posts: 949
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
 
Old 01-29-2015, 01:10 PM   #24
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Dear Josh

rolling around laughing

more please more
 
Old 01-29-2015, 01:45 PM   #25
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From: Florida
Posts: 949
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."
 
Old 01-29-2015, 01:53 PM   #26
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vetpulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."
 
Old 01-29-2015, 01:57 PM   #27
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An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his with endearing terms-Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."

The old many hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
 
Old 01-29-2015, 02:24 PM   #28
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Ha ha ha oh Josh you are killing me with laughter.


An elderly woman died last month and having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, so I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
 
Old 01-29-2015, 02:29 PM   #29
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What Would You Say?
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?
Artie said, " I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Merle said: , "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in peoples lives."
Don said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
 
Old 01-29-2015, 03:12 PM   #30
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She spent the first day packing her belongings into
boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect
her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at
their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put
on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound
of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every
room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells
dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the
husband returned with his new girlfriend, all
was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing
the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were
steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators
were brought in to set off gas
canisters, during which they had to move out for a few
days and in the end they even paid to replace the
expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and
decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in
half, they could not find a buyer for their
stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors
refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from
the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were
going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She
listened politely and said that she missed her old
home terribly and would be willing to reduce her
divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house
back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was,
he agreed on a price that was about
1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if
she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered
the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling
as they watched the moving company pack everything to
take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the
curtain rods!!!!!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
 
Old 02-07-2015, 05:21 PM   #31
Senior Member
 
BlinkeyBill's Avatar
 
Joined: Oct 2011
From: Quilimari,Chile
Posts: 4,213
If offended by slight bad language DO NOT READ FURTHER.



Two business men in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minutes now a senior will walk by, look the window and ask what we're selling"

No sooner were the words out of his mouth, when, sure enough, a curious senior walked up to the
window, had a peak and In a soft voice asked "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically "We‘re selling ass holes"

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said," You're doing well then. Only two left"

Seniors Don't mess with them!
 
Old 02-07-2015, 10:52 PM   #32
Senior Member
 
maryamr's Avatar
 
Joined: Aug 2014
From: Blue Planet
Posts: 1,236
Quote:
Originally Posted by blinkeybill View Post
if offended by slight bad language do not read further.



Two business men in florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, "i bet any minutes now a senior will walk by, look the window and ask what we're selling"

no sooner were the words out of his mouth, when, sure enough, a curious senior walked up to the
window, had a peak and in a soft voice asked "what are you selling here?"

one of the men replied sarcastically "we‘re selling ass holes"

without skipping a beat, the old timer said," you're doing well then. Only two left"

seniors don't mess with them!
:d :d :d
 
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