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Old 05-17-2017, 09:28 AM   #1
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I Need Guidance with Relationships

Hello!
I am in a situation that is a little bit uncommon, and have some questions to which the answers could help me.
I am not a Baha'i, but I have been exploring the faith and am currently working on Book 1.
I have a general understanding of the animal instincts, but still need help.
I have become great friends with another Baha'i, and he is actually the one who introduced me to the faith. I have liked him for some time now, and I know it sounds cliche, but I have grown to love him. Not the typical teenager lust, but real love. I know it's such a mature concept for my age, but I know myself well and understand my mind. This boy means so much to me and I respect him greatly.
I would like some guidance. We have previously had a "thing" if I dare say.
I need to know if in this situation, it would be acceptable to kiss him. (ONLY kiss, I do not want anything more like that).
Please help me, I greatly appreciate it.

Last edited by crsartlover; 05-18-2017 at 05:04 AM.
 
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Old 05-17-2017, 10:59 AM   #2
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Uncommon? I'd rather say

It is nature that is all
Simply telling us to fall in love
And that's why birds do it, bees do it
Even educated fleas do it
Let's do it, let's fall in love

Maybe I'm in a silly mood, but sometimes I wonder why we are so fussy about these things.

Best from

a buzzing

gnat
 
Old 05-17-2017, 04:09 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by crsartlover View Post
Hello!
I am in a situation that is a little bit uncommon, and have some questions to which the answers could help me.
I am not a Baha'i, but I have been exploring the faith and am currently working on Book 1.
I have a general understanding of the animal instincts, but still need help.
I have become great friends with another Baha'i, and he is actually the one who introduced me to the faith. I have liked him for some time now, and I know it sounds cliche, but I have grown to love him. Not the typical teenager lust, but real love. I know it's such a mature concept for my age, but I know myself well and understand my mind. This boy means so much to me and I respect him greatly.
I would like some guidance. We have previous had a "thing" if I dare say.
I need to know if in this situation, it would be acceptable to kiss him. (ONLY kiss, I do not want anything more like that).
Please help me, I greatly appreciate it.
Young lady, the fact that you ask this question shows that you possess morality. Follow what your conscience truly tells you
 
Old 05-18-2017, 05:08 AM   #4
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Joined: May 2017
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AidanK View Post
Young lady, the fact that you ask this question shows that you possess morality. Follow what your conscience truly tells you
However, I'm worried that if I follow conscience, it would be the wrong thing. I just want to know if this would be considered disrespectful, and the last thing I want to do is stray from what is considered acceptable in the faith.

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Old 05-18-2017, 09:08 AM   #5
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I am also a student of the Faith, but I dare to give two pieces of advice as the father of two young ladies:

First advice: keep a pure and radiant heart. This is your main concern. If you keep this first advice, then you will know how to manage the second, which is... kiss, kiss, and kiss with joy!

Keeping a pure heart means keeping your values in harmony with your acts. It means integrity.
Having a radiant heart means to make that integrity visible for all those around you, as if you were a candle, a lamp... a sun!

If you possess that kind of heart and truly love yourself and love that boy, go now and kiss him! I know you will kiss him in such a way, at such a place, at such a time, with such a purpose in mind, that both will find true joy (not guilt) and long term spiritual growth.

Last edited by camachoe; 05-18-2017 at 09:17 AM.
 
Old 05-18-2017, 12:08 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by camachoe View Post
I am also a student of the Faith, but I dare to give two pieces of advice as the father of two young ladies:

First advice: keep a pure and radiant heart. This is your main concern. If you keep this first advice, then you will know how to manage the second, which is... kiss, kiss, and kiss with joy!

Keeping a pure heart means keeping your values in harmony with your acts. It means integrity.
Having a radiant heart means to make that integrity visible for all those around you, as if you were a candle, a lamp... a sun!

If you possess that kind of heart and truly love yourself and love that boy, go now and kiss him! I know you will kiss him in such a way, at such a place, at such a time, with such a purpose in mind, that both will find true joy (not guilt) and long term spiritual growth.
Hear, hear!

I too am a proud and loving father of two young ladies, who are rapidly approaching the age when such things have to be considered. Previously, I have considered the acquisition of a shotgun, to be loaded with salt shells, to keep all those prospective boyfriends away. I’ll add your approach to my inventory.

Best

from

gnat
 
Old 05-19-2017, 01:58 AM   #7
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Greetings Crsartlover,

Unlike Camachoe and Gnat, I have no daughters so I will bow to their wisdom offered to you here as fathers of young ladies.

One thing you need to embrace is the idea that this is your life and it really is up to you to make the most of it. The Bahá'í Writings are like a yardstick in your life, they are designed to assist you, not restrict you. This means it is important to be proactive with what is encouraged rather than becoming a servant of obedience by only focusing on what is not encouraged without understanding why. Life is for living, not dying.

If you examine the Bahá'í Teachings with regards to relationships from a western mindset it is very easy to focus on what is not permitted rather than what is encouraged. This point used to be made by the late Marion Holley-Hofman, the first wife of David Hofman. Their engagement lasted for ten years and eventually out of frustration she threw a cabbage at him from across the road and it hit him on the head. It must have hurt. She was simply so tied of waiting for him to understand her needs. As a former international athlete she was an extremely fit and active woman, in contrast all her fiancé wanted to do was teach the Faith. She made her point and they were soon married.

The real issue here is not about the high moral conduct that has been encouraged between men and women, rather it is the idea that marriage is perfectly natural. People will put the idea of marriage off for a number of reasons that usually revolve around cultural expectations. There is absolutely nothing in the Writings that prohibit women from approaching the question of marriage with a man. Think on this some more and follow your heart because women have around four times as many pheromones as men and are much better suited at finding a mate than a male. So it is females, not males, that are really in control of human courtship. If you want to know more about the science of this then I would recommend that you look at some works by the human zoologist, Desmond Morris. You might like to begin with his first book entitled The Naked Ape. Read this and you are going to have a much better appreciation of the Bahá'í Writings in this subject matter along with understanding the power that you possess as a woman.

Earth

Last edited by Earth; 05-19-2017 at 12:08 PM.
 
Old 05-19-2017, 10:27 AM   #8
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dear crsartlover
my answer may be the most direct and "harshest" among the answers you have received here. But, as far as my knowledge of the faith goes, you are not allowed to do that.
You know, when you are just friends with a boy, or another person in general, and there are no more feelings than friendship, then you can. But when love comes in, a kiss is not permitted.
In the Ancient Greek myths, each human's soul has three parts. 1-horse driver 2-horse one 3-horse 2. Horse one is tame and polite. its color is white. Horse two is untamed, impolite, and impatient with fiery eyes. If you give the red horse what it wants even for once, then BE SURE that after that, you can hardly keep its rein. Tame it; that is my suggestion, tame it even if you need to use all your power.
 
Old 05-20-2017, 07:10 AM   #9
Jcc
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Maryam is 100% correct. The surest and safest path to maintain spiritual purity is to not have intimate physical contact, including kissing, or even desire it too much until married. Unfortunately, the great majority of people these days, including Baha'is will have difficulty living up to that standard.

One extreme to also avoid would be to shut yourself off emotionally and isolate yourself in order to avoid any temptation. That would be contrary to the Baha'i spirit and also very unhealthy. So, somehow we need to find the right balance in our lives to be an open and loving person, to develop healthy relationships, but also adhere to a high moral standard without being aloof or looking down on others who don't see the need to follow those standards, or they see the need but are struggling to do it. The best method to achieve that is prayer, study of the Holy Scriptures, and associating as much as possible with others who are successfully following those standards.

As with every aspect of life, we are here to learn, grow, strive and sometimes fail. We need to balance many factors, and it is perfectly natural to fall off balance sometimes, as long as we get up again and keep trying.

Last edited by Jcc; 05-20-2017 at 07:22 AM.
 
Old 05-20-2017, 11:08 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Earth View Post
If you examine the Bahá'í Teachings with regards to relationships from a western mindset it is very easy to focus on what is not permitted rather than what is encouraged. This point used to be made by the late Marion Holley-Hofman, the first wife of David Hofman. Their engagement lasted for ten years and eventually out of frustration she threw a cabbage at him from across the road and it hit him on the head. It must have hurt. She was simply so tied of waiting for him to understand her needs. As a former international athlete she was an extremely fit and active woman, in contrast all her fiancé wanted to do was teach the Faith. She made her point and they were soon married.

Earth
I believe that we Bahá'ís would be a lot happier, if we would throw more cabbage. It hurts me to see young people wait until their thirties before they actually marry.

gnat
 
Old 05-20-2017, 11:51 AM   #11
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Greetings Gnat,

I agree completely. Indeed sometimes marriages can take place beyond the age of thirty. It is a very real challenge and I fear that you will need to protect your daughters from a great deal of naivety that revolves around such matters in both society and the wider Bahá'í Community, if they have chosen to be a part of it that is. In an age where no one's religious beliefs can be guaranteed for life, marriage needs to be based on something much stronger than Faith.

Here's wishing you and your daughters all the very best. But keep that shotgun loaded with rock salt shells just in case...

Earth
 
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