Mdef

Hello fellow Bahai's and others.. Let me explain..

So, recently I have been seeing a girl and to make a long story short, we have been engaging in physical encounters from time to time. I don't think there is marriage anytime soon due to various reasons.. but I always find myself asking for forgiveness for these acts.. Could you fellow Bahai's elaborate on this?
I'm a 26 year old male.. I have read the article on the control and regulation of these sexual desires.. but im not perfect.. and we all have sex instincts right?

Help would be appriciated...

arthra

Mdef,

I think you've posted similar threads before...

such as

I had sex(Outside of Marriage).. and it feels bad

Chasity And Marriage in 2011 and onward

Clubs and Bars as a Bahai..

Was any of the advice posted before helpful to you?

cire perdue

I don't think we ought to help you feel better about this. Do you?

Mdef

Well don't I feel ashamed.. lol.. thanks for bringing up my posts.. I will look back to them..I apologize for any inconvenience.

cire perdue

I think it is being pointed out to you that you remain stuck in the same place. It appears this is a lifestyle pattern you are choosng and then writing for (?) help, and you are a Baha'i? If you are out of control then you might need to consider counseling, as deep childhood issues can result in sexual acting out. Otherwise it is the duty of a Baha'i to shoulder doing whatever it takes to be able to live a Baha'i lifestyle. I envy you if your only problem is that you sleep around some. I wish my problems had been so mild. I am a recovering homosexual. If you believe in this Faith then prayerfully seek help. To keep doing the same old thing, staying stuck, seems to usually mean that one does not really want to change.

Mdef

The Bahai faith has been the best thing that has ever entered my life.. I'm an active 26 year old with high testosterone..that goes to the gym regularly. To tell the truth, I don't know if I ever will get married.. I would like to, but I don't see it happening anytime in the near future. I can't lie to myself and say I will be chaste until marriage... We humans have sex instincts.. and in this day in age where media is pretty much 99.9 percent sex.. it's hard.. I'm not out of control by any means... I can regulate and control it pretty well.. Its just that when I'm involved with a female..its tough not to give in when she is willing.. u know?

cire perdue

Excuse me, but then if you are having no problems then why are you sleeping around. Not planning to marry sounds like a good ol' time to me. Typical American playboy. Sex as a hobby, but since one is a Baha'i, one does not say that. No responsibilities, why marry. There appears to be a basic honesty problem. Your behavior says one thing, and then you say you are in control. A responsible Baha'i of 26 would be working on the maturity to marry and have a family. So you have testosterone, so do all other Baha'i men. If you weren't bothered you would not post. People who have healthy emotions do not sleep around. They develop relationships not sexual encounters. There is a lot here you are not saying. You might consider counseling. What makes you so insecure that you fall in bed with any come hither female? You seem to be asking for help. Seem is the operative word.

I would be concerned if I was into the relationships you describe. Even if you have "legitimate" reasons to wait to marry it does not bode well for a future relationship to have a string of past flings. If you want to have a stable life and a successful relationship I would seek help. I think there is more going on here than you realize, or why keep posting.

Rani

Mdef,

I wonder if you can share why you think there are some obstacles to contracting marriage.?
Do you expect everything to be perfect, in terms of finances or whatever.(?) Shoghi Effendi did say that financial considerations are often just an excuse for not marrying (young).

I know of a young baha'i girl who is only 19 and is getting married in a month. She is still doing her University degree, and her fiance looks just as young too. She lives independently of her parents and I imagine they will be living quite frugally for a while, but they are marrying!

Yes, it is true that media is saturated with sex, and it can easily give the impression that if one is not having any, then you are missing out and there's almost no point to our existence. (lol). ;-

So one suggestion is to reduce how much television you watch.. I suppose they have videos at the gym. Hmm.

Anyway, I think if you put God first and make sure you read and recite some of Baha'u'llah's Writings every morning and night and do your obligatory prayer etc, and the other injunctions that we are given that will ensure we are progressing spiritually then God will protect you and you will be helped to overcome, with determination and trust in Him, and detachment from all things save Him.

But one has to sincerely *want* to overcome something in order to do so.

I don't think it's a bad thing that Mdef has opened up on the forum 'cos it's true that we're saturated with messages that are contrary to Baha'i principles around us, and it helps to talk with other baha'is if one is struggling with an issue. And addictions such as (sex) or alcohol, and many things actually might take guidance and counsel and consultation over a period of time. It often doesn't work for someone to be told once to just not do something, and expect lasting change in behaviour.

All I can suggest at this time is to immerse yourself in the Writings.. Endeavour to put God first in your life. -Which of course means putting Him first before women or a woman. (!)

Other things I want to suggest is that you avoid this behaviour out of Love. -Love for this Faith, and also love, care, and a desire for the best outcome for the girl or girls you may be involved with.

We are the living examples of this Faith and people will be judging the Faith based on how much we live up to its teachings and ideals to a very large extent.

'It behoveth the people of Baha to die to the world and all that is therein, to be so detached from all earthly things that the inmates of Paradise may inhale from their garment the sweet smelling savor of sanctity, that all the peoples of the earth may recognize in their faces the brightness of the All-Merciful, and that through them may be spread abroad the signs and tokens of God, the Almighty, the All-Wise. They that have tarnished the fair name of the Cause of God, by following the things of the flesh -- these are in palpable error!'

(Baha'u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha'u'llah, p. 100)

Oochy, hope that passage wasn't too harsh. But it was the first one I could think of, and it is a lovely one for most of us probably as we strive to be good examples of our Faith.

And as mentioned, I hope you will have much consideration for the girl involved. Even though she is consenting, I can only wonder if she feels grief or guilt. Our behaviour doesn't just affect our spiritual life, but the lives of others. This can't be the best thing for her spiritual life.

Yes, humans have sex instincts but if you engage when it is not in the proper spiritual context it may as well just be like behaving like an animal. We are consistently told that our spiritual life and qualities are far more important than any physical comfort. It is better to die hungry than to seize something from another that does not belong to us. And so on.

Say: .. "Observe My commandments, for the love of My beauty."

Happy is the lover that hath inhaled the divine fragrance of his Best-Beloved from these words, laden with the perfume of a grace which no tongue can describe. By My life! He who hath drunk the choice wine of fairness from the hands of My bountiful favor, will circle around My commandments that shine above the Day Spring of My creation.

(Baha'u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha'u'llah, p. 332)

If one wants to achieve chastity surely it is crucial that they are attracted to the virtue of purity. When Baha'u'llah writes about obeying Him and God for the love of His beauty, I think it encompasses many qualities and attributes, purity being one of them .

Well, I wish I could write more, but I need to call it an evening. >> Thanks.

Mdef

I'm not a sex addict by any means.. And I love Bahaullah with everything. I do plan on marrying.. but I just don't see it happening any time soon.. Most girls nowadays want to "test drive" before they "buy" it sort of thing. I would love to get into a relationship and wait to marriage.. but in this era.. what is the chances of that happening? Not good huh?

Rani

Just because 'most', many, or the majority of girls or people in general might want to 'test drive' before marriage, does not mean they all do.

Sure, I believe the same thing of most (non-religious) men, and there are no single baha'i men in my area. The closest is an hour away, and after him, I think the closest might even be hundreds or 1000kms away!
lol. So, I pretty much don't date, unless I'm blessed with someone coming along.

But this is part of the test of living in these current times. We're meant to show a true and new example, not fit in to what is current and less than mediocre with what is around us.

Btw, apologies, I didn't mean to imply that you're a sex addict. I meant it rather as an example.

Mdef

So, I pretty much don't date, unless I'm blessed with someone coming along.

This I like

Thanks for the replies

cire perdue

I can honestly say I would not want a girl who wanted to test drive me. It is an awe-inspiring experience not to have sex before marriage and then have that after marriage. There is trust and love there that won't happen any other way. mdef it sounds as if you "let" the girls make these choices, so then you really don't do anything wrong, you are just a helpless victim that is ravished. I'm really not sure why you are here.

Mdef

Well I just talked to my significant other.. and I let her know about my feelings about being chaste and pure. And surprisingly, it turned out OK. I told her that I felt it was meaningless sex.. nothing behind it, just sex.. and she respected my decisions. We are still friends, and if anything it made our relationship better.

"you are just a helpless victim that is ravished. I'm really not sure why you are here"



"O Son of Being!

How couldst thou forget thine own faults and busy thyself with the faults of others? Whoso doeth this is accursed of me."

"O MY SERVANT!
Purge thy heart from malice and, innocent of envy, enter the divine court of holiness."

"observe silence and refrain from idle talk. For the tongue is a smoldering fire, and excess of speech a deadly poison."

Essence of GOD

more importantly,
give us some good pick up lines bro

cire perdue

Compliance is part of obeying the laws, but acceptance with deep understanding is living the life.

"Think not that We have revealed unto you a mere code of laws.
Nay, rather, We have unsealed the choice Wine with the fingers
of might and power."

(Baha'u'llah, Synopsis and Codification of the Kitab-i-Aqdas)

Mdef

This my friend, Cire.. Is incredible. My apologizes for being stubborn.. it is just my Italian nature.

lol


thanks guys

Mdef

HAHA. My man

cire perdue

If you really mean that then you have no idea how touched I feel. How do I convey to someone that this Faith is a process that if, if you have to struggle to obtain its peace is the best thing in life and only gets better with age? Yes we can be overcome by that media and social culture and its snares, illusions, and glitter, we can. It is so important to put a process in place to pray am and pm and to read from the Writings if only a sentence am and pm. I am glad you have something you have to struggle with, because without struggle sometime things have no value. Bless you and thank you.

that WO is supposed to be WOW, but mjy fainguh lsipped

LordOfGoblins

How about trying to have some "spiritual encounters" with a girl instead..

Napkin

This just my opinion; I dont think religion has anything to do with it.....
If you are married then you are hurting your wife in a big way and thats a very horrible thing to do. If you are not married, then just be safe. The Baha'i police is not going to punish you

I've known Baha'i my whole life and almost all of them had sex before marriage. BUT if you ask their opinion on the topic, they will tell you its wrong and quote the writing about what they, themselves, have also done