LordOfGoblins

I know this seems more a psychological problem. Maybe its not meant for the Bahai forum but i dont have access to seeing a psychologist at the moment.
My question is.
Has anyone experienced an inordinate amount of fear that the woman or women he likes (or men) are going to get married? A bit like Majnun going crazy that Layli got married.
I have had trouble witht his for sometime. I am horrified at the notion that women i like are going to marry another man and i wake up with this fear. It is mainly one woman very strongly whose with another man at the moment but its also others less strongly too...
any ideas??

arthra

Well Lord of Goblins...

I'm unsure what to say here..

What about your own status?..

You are single and looking for a spouse?

If so that fear that a woman you are attracted to may not share your feelings and reject you?

This is a common fear.. that we are not worthy of love.

My free advice.. continue to be socially involved with people and eventually you will find the person that is "right" for you!

You will go through rejections and trials but ultimately it will be worth it and you'll forget your present fears!

How's that!

Noexalt

I'm no psychiatrist, but this may be stemmed from your own feelings of inadequacy, but also something else that I think all (straight) men struggle with.
So many discussions I have had with other guys, they express extreme frustration with girlfriends or potentials running off with a "bad boy". Even Dr. Drew on television expressed his frustration about this phenomenon. It's as if we as men are always concerned that we are not going to be exciting enough or satisfactory enough for the woman. We provide, we support, we nurture and the first guy that comes down the road with a motorcycle and a leather jacket who is domineering and sometimes abusive, they run off with immediately. I think some of this has to do with how women are socialized, they are socialized to be more submissive, so they gravitate toward a man who is domineering, while verbalizing different values.

You hear a lot about women who want men to commit, I think there are definitely some cases where men need to corner women on their own commitment.

LordOfGoblins

what gets me is Baha'u'llah talks so calmly about the things in the seven valleys like the story of Majnun and layli where majnun went insane cos layli got married. But he provides no solution. Its just like "yep and layli got married and Majnun went insane" isnt that a beautiful story?
No its not a beautiful story! Its a dam miserable story.
Im telling you and listen to me well. If this girl had married a year ago i may have killed myself. I was that much in love with her.
no joke..
So yeh the writings and describe a situation like that but as for a solution??? None..

Noexalt

I don't doubt your love for this girl one bit.

O SON OF JUSTICE!
Whither can a lover go but to the land of his beloved? and what seeker findeth rest away from his heart's desire? To the true lover reunion is life, and separation is death. His breast is void of patience and his heart hath no peace. A myriad lives he would forsake to hasten to the abode of his beloved.

(Baha'u'llah, The Persian Hidden Words)

You realize of course that the story is symbolic of a seeker's search and love for the Manifestation of God, and not a prescription for relationships. Just for a matter of perspective, and not to play sour grapes, imagine if marriage to her was unquestionably forbidden, and that all those feelings you have could never go beyond a simple platonic friendship. I don't know maybe that would be easier...

But yes I agree, Baha'u'llah uses love as solution-less tragedy in many instances.

The companions of all who adore Thee are the tears they shed, and the comforters of such as seek Thee are the groans they utter, and the food of them who haste to meet Thee is the fragments of their broken hearts.

(Compilations, Baha'i Prayers, p. 190)


I call on Thee O Thou Who slayest the Lovers,

You know the rest I'm sure.

LordOfGoblins

maybe thats the solution then. Just embrace the tragic nature of it...
thanks noExalt!!

Noexalt

I know, I suck.

Timothy248

I've found that the most powerful technique for detaching from love - if effort doesn't work - is to focus on impermanence. For example, if I really want an icecream, to alliviate this desire the counter thought would be that the enjoyment of eating the icecream will only last for a few minutes. In this situation realize the things about her which attract you and focus on their impermanence, as all created things are impermanent. If its her body think about how her body will get old, if its an aspect of her charachter think about how she will eventually change in this life or in the next ones.

Napkin

Are you single? If so, this is totally normal. Find yourself a cute girl and watch your fears disappear
I would not embrace the tragic nature of it. Once you start embracing tragic things, they start changing you....
If you have someone, and r still obsessing over "somebody u used to know", then I'd seek some counseling. Thee are all sorts of proven methods for dealing with this kinda thing, but none more power full than a nicer, more suitable new partner

I do feel for you though, so good luck!

GenuineSeeker

I agree with Napkin

LordOfGoblins

thanks everyone. Napkin your advice is good.
Its just i dont think how i felt for this person was normal. I dont want to go into why, no point really. cheers though

IndistinctDreamer

Sometimes we need to look deep within ourselves. Are we really in love with this person? How can we be sure? What proves this?

I've had instances where I have been in love with an individual who did not feel the same way. I looked deep within myself to pinpoint the exact reasoning behind my attraction. She reflected Gods attributes which I was drawn towards yes but so do so many other individuals. What made this so different? Eventually my love for her diminished for I could not justify it in my mind.
Now if one in truly in love this method wont work as I have come to find, however sometimes we are blinded by love or that what we believe is love. Sometimes it really isn't so we need to take a moment to figure out whether it is or not.
If its not well.. I guess move on and if it is well your love for the individual will burn brighter than ever before.

LordOfGoblins

my heart is conflicted. If i ever see her again i dont know how to act. I feel like i want to ignore her or show her disdain even though she hasnt done much wrong. I got sick and she moved on with her life. Beep happens I guess. I used to Blame Baha'ullah alot for this. Why drive such a powerful love into my heart that is literally like Majnun had for Layli if not to provide a path for me??
its like getting over the wall of pain to find the beloved is already taken.

LordOfGoblins

yeh i thought of this before. It sortof works.

I may have found a way to become detached. I finally found one bad quality in her lol...
One bad quality and im trying to focus on that hahahahaha...

Napkin

woo hoo people agree with me...about time you guys saw my wisdom

Seriously dude, meet a girl NOW. We've all been through this, and there is only one solution.
if you see her again, be happy for her. Congratulate her, and mean it!

r u thinking you don't qualify to meet someone decent? u dot think u r good enough? is that whats going on?