Doll

Hi, I am dating a Baha'i and have been for almost three years. I am very close to the faith, though I am not Baha'i I want to become one in the near future. I come from a Hindu background although I do not practice much of it.

I have taken part in study circles and attended a conference and loved every minute of it. I am already on my way to running a Juniour Youth group with a few close friends (including my boyfriend). I am really looking forward to it.

I am completely in love with him, and I believe that he feels that same way about me. My parents absolutely love him, my place is like his second home. We spend a lot of time together and any time apart is just hell.

The problem is that his parents have a set criteria of what they want in their future daughter in law, which are:

* Her parents must be educated (a Degree or PHD)
* Her parents must be Baha'i
* She must have been brought up as a Baha'i
* She must be educated

To my understanding his parents have said that I do not meet that criteria.
I understand that Baha'i's need the approval of their parents before considering marriage.

My boyfriend's parents have rejected his past two relationships based on the same criteria and even more extreme, for example his first girl friend was older than him. He is very hesitant in terms of telling his parents that he loves me and wants to marry me.

I don't know what to do, should we wait for his parents to change their minds, or should we go our seperate ways?

arthra

Hello Doll..

I can't really advise you on what to do..

If you and your Baha'i friend want to marry according to Baha'i law you must seek the approval of both your living parents..whether or not his parents decide that their criteria should hold is up to them I suppose.

and consult with a nearby Assembly around where you live. It might be advisable to consult with the Assembly as to what is best ...seek their guidance as they will know the parents and their son better.

If you decide to marry without parental approval your Baha'i friend could lose his administrative rights in the Faith... which fora Baha'i is a pretty serious matter.

Doll

Thank you for getting back to me. I am aware of the consequences of marrying without parental permission. He is going to speak to his parents one more time to get their thoughts about us 'dating'.

I am not sure if I have the patience for this as it has been going on for almost three years. I understand that god does not test us beyond our capacity but this is too much for me at this time of my life.

I will try to speak to the assembly if his parents do not accept me.

Susanne Alexander

Doll:

You may find it helpful to read my book, Marriage Can Be Forever--Preparation Counts! based on the Baha'i Writings (Marriage & Lasting Relationships; Spiritual/Character Based), and your friends may wish to encourage his parents to read the chapters on consent. Then you can discuss the matter together perhaps. The primary criteria that parents are charged with considering is character, which requires them to get to know you well.

Part of what will be challenging for you is ensuring that becoming a Baha'i is connected completely to your belief in Baha'u'llah and not to your love for your friend. Sometimes that can become mixed up together. It is also important to be cautious that fear of his parents does not cause either of you to behave in less than honest ways.

Prayer is always wise.

An Assembly may be able to meet with you if the consent process does not go well. But first the Baha'i Faith requires you to choose one another...before that the parents have no right to interfere. And there is clear encouragement to prepare for marriage, especially by ensuring your character is in a good state of strength.

Sincerely,
Susanne Alexander, Relationship & Marriage Coach
p.s. an additional resource is | Marriage Transformation | All In One Marriage Prep by Susanne M. Alexander

Pollwr

Hello, Doll.

It sounds like you have been very patient but I would agree with what Arthra said.

I have been a Bahá'í for many years and I have never heard of Bahá'í parents setting out such criteria. I don't know how common this is. Most couples I know that struggled with parental permission had problems with a parent who was not a Bahá'í.

You said that your home was your boyfriend's second home. Does this mean that you have not spent much time with his parents? You sound to be a lovely person. Maybe when you get to know them and participate in Bahá'í activities with them, they will be able to re-evaluate what is best for their son. I know you said that you are not a Bahá'í but clearly you are participating a lot and learning about the Faith.

Talking about learning about the Faith, if you can allow your son's parents to teach you something about the Faith and they see that this is driven by an interest in the Faith, and not only their son, I think you will have the beginnings of a bond.

Well that is just my suggestion. Good luck.

Doll

Thank you everyone for taking the time to write back to me.

I agree that I should be able to spend time with my boy friend's parents but we never fell into the habit of going to his house. I did visit his house a few times where I had lunch or other people were over, but only once had I visited their house exclusively.

Also when I did go to their house their parents would never really hold a conversation with me.

I have learned a lot about the faith and life through my boy friend, I am happy to be by his side for the rest of my life. I would just wish that his parents accepted me as I am and understand that I love him and I want to be with him.

BruceDLimber

It could be pointed out to his parents that there's arguably a certain virtue in someone of another background who BECOMES a Baha'i (and thus demonstrates religious initiative and significant conviction) as contrasted with someone who may merely have "coasted in" to his present position as a result of his birth!

Bruce

Livindesert

Don't worry yourself to death about what they think, just be their for your boyfriend and be a great person. I would think as long as they are somewhat normal that they will come around eventually.