aidan

Tomorrow I am going to meet a girl with whom I have beem chatting online.I am both nervous and excited in a way which I was when dating as a boy,I am now 48.I have a beautiful daughter who is the most important thing in my life,she is 20 now and at college and still lives with her mum and I have been lonely for long enough and now long for a partner with whom to share my life.However I never before thought that I would use a dating site.Please give me any comments or opinions you feel are relevant and please offer me up when next you pray to almighty God. Aidan

cire perdue

There will be 24 hour world wide prayers for Aidan starting at 0600 Greenwich mean time on September.... just joking.

You are an adult. You know Baha'i values. You have had a chance to talk with this person and prepare the ground. I think writing to someone is great. I can say things in writing that I can't say in person. You are doing your best. You are going to find out more about who you are by interacting with someone. I hope the best for you that includes never seeing this person again and the start of a relationship. Be a friend. Find out if she can be your friend and you hers, nothing else is important yet.

aidan

CP beloved friend thank you for your wise kind words.As you know; God sends people our way for a reason.Wouldnt it be wonderful if this was the start of a new friendship with or without future romance?He knows me better than I know myself and what He wants for me.What is best for me,that will surely happen dear friend.

aidan

I have had my date,met a truly beautiful person,and am meeting her again tomorrow

aidan

Brilliant!!! We meet again Saturday.We spend our time talking and laughing together

tonyfish58

I met my current wife on a web dating site - We have been married now for over 6 years.

It can work out

I see this thread is a couple of months old...so how did it go aidan?

Regards Tony

cire perdue

I bailed out on 2 doves when I found out it costs money.

aidan

It cameto nothing Tony.Her 19 yrs son has Asperghers ad was very jealous of her seeing me so she ended it.|Forevr onwards bro

aidan

They kicked me out when i said i was separated but not yet divorced

cire perdue

Did they keep your $20?

aidan

I didnt pay anything

tonyfish58

Sorry to hear - I hope it works out in the future - I do not like being alone - Life is to share

We have a great life, but it is a shame I cant share Faith though, Very remote chance my wife will believe in God...but hey I live in Hope

Cheers Tony

aidan

You love her and dont let her lack of faith be a worry for you.Pray for her and she will know God

Rani

Although this thread is about online dating, I have a question about dating I have never heard anyone ask before..

Recently I was asked out in the supermarket by a fellow.. He gave me his card. After a few days, although I wasn't that interested, I thought I'd send him an email in order to respond to his friendliness.

So, I find out a week or more later that he has been separated from his ex defacto partner for just 4 months.
Baha'is of course are obliged to observe a year of Patience if they separate from their marriage partner and I assume that would translate to a defacto partner too if they were living together b4 declaring.

I was just wondering, even though a non-baha'i will often think of themselves as free and ready to date again as soon as they separate, if a baha'i should think of that person as being on a kind of Year of Patience? Or is that being a little over-conscientious? As a non-baha'i they are not bound by baha'i law, but what do you think should be the attitude of a baha'i if they are asked out by someone in that situation? Curious..
I'm not 'keen' in this instance, but would still like to know.

ayed gufran

i never got any date ever because im not so elder or i think im not try ....

LordOfGoblins

Hi Rani.
So you met a guy in the supermarket! Wow that doesnt happen too often does it?
I think you are right that Bahais have a different standard to randoms you might meet. Such people might just be instersted in a short-term intimacy experience and others might be seeking something deeper and long-lasting. Who knows... There are a lot of different kinds of people out there.
Certainly for a Bahai the dynamic would be different. We are seeking depth in others and something lasting. It is for this reason I rarely find non-Bahai girls attract me at an emotional level.
Anyway I guess my point is not to judge too much as Bahai vs non-Bahai, but to weigh each person on their own merits. But at least with other Bahais you can be a bit more assured what you might be install for in a relationship...
But I am not an expert either...

aidan

n anyoe's book 4 months i too soon to be dating after a failed relatioship.Too much baggage and he wouldbe constantly comparing you to his ex Rani beloved sis

Rani

Thanks guys.!

Well, my main questioning was related to whether it is *wrong* to date someone who is not baha'i but hasn't been separated from a partner for a year. When I say 'wrong' I mean of course, against baha'i law.

However, seeing as I haven't seen anything written about it, - guess I'll assume there's no specific rule, but that we should follow spiritual principles. And I think if a person behaves with honesty and respect (considering the ex-partner too), and chastity too, then they'll be led along the right path.

Well again, in this specific case, I just responded to this fellow in a spirit of friendliness (I wasn't looking for romance with him) .. I do live in a smallish town after all. But this issue has come up a couple of times over the years so I was curious.

I think I can feel guilty easily, so part of me feels a situation like that wouldn't be right, but maybe that's just a guilt complex. And yes, sometimes ppl in those situations just want to jump into things too quickly.

cire perdue

I'd run like heck from anyone already trying to find another relationship after only 4 months separation from a spouse. I'd be the next name on the list to cross off and go past.

Fadl

Hi Rani,

As Baha'is our "separation" is the year of patience, and it is certainly against Baha'i law to date during it. Even though the couple lives apart during this time, the task is to try and save the marriage, not date other people and wait it out with no attempt at reconciliation. Naturally, it is not permissible to date while married (which is what separated is, still married), and there is no exemption for this.

Rani

Dearly loved Friends, and dear Fadl,

Yes, I understand the Baha'i Year of Patience, and the obligations for a baha'i if they need to observe it.

My question was about how a baha'i should respond if they are asked out by a non-baha'i who might be on a kind of Yr of Patience, but they don't know it. haha. I mean they (a non-baha'i) will usually have no concept of a Year of Patience.
Although in this case his r'ship was a defacto one, but that kind of r'ship is still protected by legal rights.
I hope I've been more clear (?)

Rani

I am not married and am not on any kind of Year of Patience myself..

Fadl

Hm. OK, I think I follow you.

Non-Baha'is may not have a year of patience concept, but separated is a sub-status of marriage, right? Separated married couples are not yet divorced, and therefore married. Since we can not as Baha'is date during our year of patience, or, even if we are single, we cannot date another Baha'i who is on their year of patience, how could we date a separated person just because they are not Baha'i? Of course we can't. That would be essentially the same thing as dating someone on a year of patience, and in actuality be dating a person who is married. Clearly dating/courting a married person is not within our right.

aidan

Am I free to dat aftern18 months' separation.She ended the marriage because she was seeing someone

Fadl

Aidan,

This is really something to talk to your LSA about rather than a forum, but in short, there is no legal way, from Baha'i law, to see anyone while married.

aidan

If I am expected to injure my mental health by suffering ubarable lonliness,then I will break this law

tonyfish58

You just have to get a divorce if you have not already done so. If it was a defacto relationship, you have done over the year & you are right to go.

Just remember that in Baha'u'llah's laws there is an unseen wisdom. If we pray and abide by the laws then we will receive what is due to us.

If we do not we will most likely add to our woes. This is our choice to make.

I know where the smart money is, shame we can not hedge our bets

(P/S I have been through this and may have made a mistake or two )

Cheers Tony

cire perdue

Who says you have to date to solve lonliness. I am responsible for my feelings. I would be afraid of who I might attract if I am sufffering unbearable lonliness from my failure to meet my spiritual potential. I've been married twice as a result of my failures and it was not pretty, let me tell you!

Pollwr

Aidan

I would re-iterate that you really need to see your LSA about a divorce, and possibly you need to sort out something to satisfy legal requirements in the country that you live in too.

It may sound to you that a year of patience is too long, from now because you have been separated for some time. I have been aware of a case where an LSA back-dated the year of patience when a couple had been separated for longer than a year but did not request the start of a year of patience when they separated.

LSAs have a code of laws to follow and sometimes need to consult NSAs to clarify points of law but I am sure they would treat you with respect, honour your confidentiality and do their best for you. If you see them it might be a good idea to brief them before you meet so that they have a chance to read up on anything that they may not be well informed of to save time and avoid confusion.

Fadl

Good advice, Pollwr. Aiden, your LSA will only want to help you, so you should not hesitate or delay in meeting them to sort it out. Contrary to how things might appear to you at the moment, breaking laws only increase sorrow, so I don't think your approach will help you.

aidan

What kind of movement is this that would alow people to suffer?The loving God does not want to see anyone suffer so is it about authority and control?I refuse to feel guilty for wanting the warm affectionate companionship of a woman.I'd disrespect any organisation or persons who would deny me this holy gift from God.Maybe this faith isnt for me after all as things are becoming more evident about me and the Baha'i Faith

cire perdue

First of all, I am of the opinion that I will never date again. I will not set a goal of marrying someone until it is very apparent that it is a good fit for a relationship for me. I hope to make friends with no goal in sight. I will be leary of anyone who wants to do more than that, because we need to be very clear about being in a relationship. I would give no indication of feelings until there was a very strong friendship, and I would not lead anyone on either. I still think someone only 4 months out of a marriage is not an appropriate choice. I just read a manuscript that said ignore all things that say, "This is a sign of my true love." and any variations on that. There is no one person out there for us.

Pollwr

I am very sorry if my post came over as preachy. My train of thought in posting was this -

This guy seems stressed about his situation, his marriage is over, he wants to make a new relationship. If he finds someone else he is looking for commitment. He seems to indicate that commitment will be marriage. This means he will need to tie up the loose ends from the previous marriage sooner or later. I hope he isn't put off by the formality of contacting his LSA. I will point out that they can be helpful and loving.

I believe you are well capable of reading the writings and working out what path you choose. When I have got the hang of following every single law then I will be sure to remind others what they should be doing.

I brought up the LSA needing to check laws, with the thought that, in many small communities there are LSA members who are not well versed on every part of the writings. It has been known that on some LSAs, an individual has presented a problem and the LSA member, with the very best of intentions, have acted on their own instincts and bad feeling has been the result. Had they been tipped off what the issue was before it was brought to them, they would have researched it and given a better response. I also want you to know that my suggestion to go to the LSA was because they are necessary for the formality of divorce. I was not suggesting you go to ask them to micro-manage or control your life or that they would want to.

I hope that you find the warmth and love you wish to.

I just remembered the bit on the end of the tablet of Ahmad

"By God! Should one who is in affliction or grief read this Tablet with absolute sincerity, God will dispel his sadness, solve his difficulties and remove his afflictions."

(Compilations, Baha'i Prayers, p. 210)

BruceDLimber

Quote:

Originally Posted by aidan What kind of movement is this ...?

As has already been stated, Aidan,

PLEASE CONSULT WITH YOUR ASSEMBLY!!!

Got that now, I trust?

Peace,

Bruce

BruceDLimber

Quote:

Originally Posted by aidan What kind of movement is this ...?

As has already been stated, Aidan,

PLEASE CONSULT WITH YOUR ASSEMBLY!!!

Got that now, I trust?

Peace,

Bruce

cire perdue

I suspect that if you have been out of a marriage for 18 months that there is a possibility that you have already done your year of patience, but as others have said emphatically, you need to talk to the LSA.

I think men underestimate their need for male friends. I think that is where we will first learn usually as children how to be a friend to others and it can allow us to build the qualities that will make us a good mate. I think dating is a pitfall of the old world and that we should not go out with someone with that in mind, that this is a date, it is a step to marriage. I think we need to be friends for a lengthy period of time before tackling dating and then marriage. If you are trying out for marriage because you are dating, how honest can you be? Dating seems like a contest where one puts on one's best face!!! I suspect you could need friends more than you need a date.

aidan

I dont have an LSA.I am registered as a Baha'i community of 1! The nearet LSA is Belfast 40 mles away and obviously it is the LSA of Belfast

cire perdue

....email, snail mail, telephone................
...car, bus, train..........

signed, smartmouth, or is that smartfingers?

LordOfGoblins

A womans affections is a fleeting comfort compared to the love of God.
Meditate on the nature of mans affection to eachother esp the bonds developed that are earthly and passing.
Any woman who proffesses to love and show affection could equally have done the same to another man.

BruceDLimber

Quote:

Originally Posted by aidan I dont have an LSA.I am registered as a Baha'i community of 1! The nearet LSA is Belfast 40 mles away and obviously it is the LSA of Belfast

Fine.

Please contact them and arrange to consult with them.

And I wish you all good and a successful outcome!

Regards, :-)

Bruce