love19

I have been raised by two dysfunctional parents. Since I can remember they would fight all the time, screaming and getting physically abusive nearly on a daily basis until my father finally left our family a few years ago and I have not heard from him since, except for the occasional phone call. He was an irresponsible parent who would randomly leave the house when he felt like it and go off to God knows where for a few days, having spent a bunch of money even though we were financially burdened.

My mother loves me unconditionally... but I feel totally suffocated by her. As the oldest child, I was always the most heavily abused by my her. She smacked me from a young age and continued to do so into my teens. She also called me names, and the abusive behaviour worsened as I got older. After my father left, she spiralled even more into depression than she had already been, and lost any trace of self-esteem. She has no friends to talk to, and has turned her whole life towards my siblings and I. She basically lives through trying to force us to get good grades to "show everyone" how good we are, which I don't think is a bad thing but I don't even get room to feel like my own person because she will never talk about anything besides my studies and performance. She ended up teaching in a school which she forced me to attend for the last few years of high school, leaving my friends behind and being policed by her on a regular basis. I was embarrassed at how openly she would scorn me in front of other students.

Now I am in my second year of university, I am still being hit around the face, arms and upper body, she pulls my hair and spits on me, calls me "a piece of ****" and a loser. She constantly tells me to study, and when I am studying she comes up and asks if I'm "really studying". I study psychology, and during my first year I did quite well but I have been dropping in my performance lately and I just feel like I will fail everything, and I can't even submit assignments on time. I have an IQ of 140 so it's not like I struggle much with the content, but I think I am slowly becoming depressed and hopeless about everything. She controls me constantly and doesn't let me go out with my friends. Recently I have gone behind her back to see a boy I really like, he's my first potential boyfriend, and I think she is going to sabotage that as well because she talks about it as if it is something terrible that is going to "distract me". She knows him and thinks he is a great boy but she's scared to let me go into unknown territory (it doesn't really matter who it is). I feel bad going behind her back but at the same time I need air to breathe.

I live in a family of strong bahais and am a strong bahai myself. I also have strong ties to my extended family on my mother's side. I have grown to believe that as part of the persian culture, physical punishment is not uncommon. Leaving my family would leave me feeling extreme guilt and I would feel totally cut off from my world.. I know my mother would make my siblings act like I am a complete loser and my family would probably stop talking to me... I have no idea what to do. I want to leave but I don't want my mother to do anything drastic and I can't face the guilt. She would be absolutely devastated. I have considered family counselling but my mother would never do that, no chance in hell. She is constantly working as well.

I need advice. I feel like I am losing my identity, and I desperately crave independence. I have an ENFP (myers briggs) personality type and a 7w6 enneagram, it's probably the worst clash with my situation possible. I feel so helpless, please reply if you think you can give me any advice on what I should do because I'm growing more and more concerned about my ability to enjoy life or have any independence at all. I want to know if it would be against the law of God to leave my family and live by myself as I know I am perfectly capable of doing so. I would hate to leave them behind, especially my brother and sister, and my mother would only brand me as being the same as my father, but I feel like I have no options left. I am losing all the happiness and ability to make decisions in my life.

Noexalt

First off, If you are in the USA I recommend attending the BNASAA conference at LouHelen (end of this month!). This stands for the Baha'i Network on AIDS, Sexuality, Addications and ABUSE.

I have been to these conferences and it is a safe environment where you can share your story and gain support from others in the Baha'i community who have or are experiencing the same issues. There is usually a psychologist/counselor and ABM at these conferences so you can get some good really good support.

You would be surprised how many other Baha'is from Baha'i families and Persian families have similar stories to tell. "Persian culture" is no excuse for how you are being treated. Abuse is Abuse is Abuse, period. Getting beaten and verbally abused at any age is wrong, and now that you are in college, this is to a point of extreme pathology.

There is no excuse for this in the Baha'i Faith, in Persian Culture, or anywhere else. I suggest you make a run for it as soon as humanly possible. You can't heal until you get away.

love19

Thanks for your reply. I live in Australia, so I don't know if we have those. I think my whole family would turn against me if I left. I know leaving would mean I would lose my whole family. But I am so sick and tired of being screamed at and interrogated every day. Are there other opinions or writings on what I should do in this situation?

LordOfGoblins

Your parents are not strong Bahais they are trash. Move out and forget they ever existed and dont feel guilty about it...
God has nothing to do with it..

LordOfGoblins

they would leave you is just emotional blackmail. If they really loved you they wouldnt leave you at all just for moving out.

My advice:
Find a nice Bahai warm family "real Bahai family" and marry into them.

Timothy248

It's good to be strong and try to maintain relationships through hard times, but you have to look after your own psychological and or physical health as well.
Although I couldn't find any quotes from scripture relating to this situation, I'm sure god would be glad for you to leave.

LightSpirit

My Dear girl my heart is breaking for you and the conflict I can see in you being torn between your much needed freedom and living up to the expectations of your family. Can I give you some motherly advice from one who has been brought up in the Baha'i Faith and is married to a Persian Baha'i. God loves you and does not want to see you abused or your siblings. The abuse you described is unacceptable and is contrary to Australian law. Basically if extended family members or other Baha'i's in your community know of this abuse, by law they must report it to the authorites outside of the Faith due to Child Protection Legislation. You should not feel bad for wanting to leave or feel guilty, it is your right as a human being and your siblings to have a safe, loving, caring and supportive environment. People are not perfect unfortunately, even our parents, but you need to do what will be best for you and don't worry about what others will think.

My sons and I are victims of domestic abuse and we have had to undergo counselling due to their abusive father. The boys are still dealing with anger issues, which have impacted on their study, physical, mental and emotional health. Unfortunately Baha'i communities have not learnt yet to be supportive of victims of domestic abuse- regardless of the form it takes. It would be preferable for family counselling to occur but ususally the abuser won't attend and is often in denial as will be other blood-relatives of the abuser and see the abusers behaviour as acceptable when it is clearly not.

You need a network of good friends around you who will support you through the difficult transition of leaving. If you stay nothing will change unfortunately because the abuser has not acknowledged they have a problem and is not making changes in their behaviour which has been negatively impacting on younger and vulnerable family members.

You owe it to yourself to leave and find other accommodation so you can focus on your study in Peace and be the wonderful person you truly are. Please don't be scared to take your matter to a Baha'i institution, whether LSA or Regional Council, your siblings need to be helped and maybe an institution would be able to offer advice and counsel your Mother which she needs to hear. It is not shameful to ask the institions for help as it is their responsibility to ensure all members of the community even in their homes are safe and treated with respect. Your Mother needs to quickly learn some self- control and requires urgent outside help for this, as her behaviour shows she is now out of control and destructive. She requires other adult intervention to help her, you need to ask for this for her. Her present behaviour is not spiritually conducive for herself or others.

I wish I had acted sooner myself, a victim of Home abuse, of which my sons witnessed some of it. I realized one day if I wanted the cycle of abuse to stop I would have to ask for outside help because otherwise my sons could easily perpetuate the cycle of abuse when they are married if they were not healed first. Victims can later become abusers if appropriate help is not afforded to them, and the earlier intervention the better. The LSA will know what to do about your situation and will offer appropriate support as well as keeping your matter confidential.

You are in my prayers and I know God will guide you and sustain you to be strong and make the changes you need to make. I have had to give up some of my close family relations on both sides of the family due to our situation because of controlling and misunderstanding extended family members. It doesn't matter trust me, you don't need them, your friends and a Baha'i institution will help you through this and won't pull you down compared to the expectations of your mum and extended family. It is not disunity to withdraw from family members when they are not treating you properly. You are a loving girl and that is why you stayed for so long in a toxic environment. But now it is time to love some family members from a distance and rediscover yourself. It is your life, own it and become the woman you want to be.

Please know you are not alone and the Baha'i community loves you. I hope you act on behalf of yourself and your siblings. Thank you for sharing and I wish you well. XXXXX0

Pollwr

Dear Love19 it sounds as if you have been doing your very best in a terrible situation. What a blessing the abuse you have suffered has not turned you away from the Faith and cut you off from a spiritual lifeline.

I am not sure if you are familiar with this quotation that I think makes the Baha'i view on this sort of abuse clear:

511. It is Not Permissible to Strike a Child

"Let the mothers consider that whatever concerneth the education of children is of the first importance. Let them put forth every effort in this regard, for when the bough is green and tender it will grow in whatever way ye train it. Therefore is it incumbent upon the mothers to rear their little ones even as a gardener tendeth his young plants. Let them strive by day and by night to establish within their children faith and certitude, the fear of God, the love of the Beloved of the worlds, and all good qualities and traits. Whensoever a mother seeth that her child hath done well, let her praise and applaud him and cheer his heart; and if the slightest undesirable trait should manifest itself, let her counsel the child and punish him, and use means based on reason, even a slight verbal chastisement should this be necessary. It is not, however, permissible to strike a child, or vilify him, for the child's character will be totally perverted if he be subjected to blows or verbal abuse."

('Abdu'l-Bahá: Bahá'í Education,pp. 49-50)

(Compilations, Lights of Guidance, p. 152)

I see nothing wrong with you leaving home and living independently should you chose to do so. In your situsation I would leave. Futhermore, I would reccomend you find a good councillor. They should be able to talk to you confidentually without involving your mother or anyone else in your family. It does sound as if your mother very much needs help too but you indicated that this would be a no go area. There are times in when there are family problems that we have to accept that the only person we can control is ourselves.

It sounds like the current situation is not good for anyone. It could be that leaving home would cause a rift in the short term but all you could do is assure your mother you loved her but her behaviour is unacceptable. Actions speaking louder than mere words is an important theme of our Faith. Abuse as you have described is not an acceptable way of displaying love. Eventually she may well understand. In the long term I think it would be for the best.

I don't know if you can go to your LSA for futher help and support. In an ideal world they would be accessible to you and they should be. I know in some communities getting help from the LSA would be a problem if a parent or close friends of relatives of theirs were serving.

I will pray for you.

Noexalt

You've probably seen these, but in case you haven't, perhaps it helps.

It is not, however, permissible to strike a child, or vilify him, for the child's character will be totally perverted if he be subjected to blows or verbal abuse.

(Abdu'l-Baha, Selections from the Writings of Abdu'l-Baha, p. 125)

and in view of 'Abdu'l-Bahá's exhortation that each member of the family must uphold the rights of the others, it becomes obvious that violence in the family is antithetical to the spirit of the Faith and a practice to be condemned. "If the broad structure of society is to remain intact, resolute efforts, including medical ones, as necessary, should be made to curb acts of aggression within families particularly their extreme forms of wife beating and child abuse by parents. This is a matter of fundamental importance, for if the friends are not able to maintain harmony within their families, on what other basis do they hope to demonstrate to a skeptical world the efficacy of the pre-eminent character of the Revelation of Bahá'u'lláh? What possible influence could they hope to exert on the development of nations and the establishment of world peace? The following statement by the beloved Master sheds illumination on these points: " ' ... Compare the nations of the world to the members of a family. A family is a nation in miniature. Simply enlarge the circle of the household, and you have the nation. Enlarge the circle of nations and you have all humanity. The family are the happenings in the life of the nation. Would it add to the progress and advancement of the family if decisions should arise among its members, all fighting, pillaging each other, jealous and revengeful of injury, seeking selfish advantages? Nay, this would be the cause of the effacement of progress and advancement. So it is in the great family of nations, for nations are but an aggregate of families ... ' "

(Compilations, Lights of Guidance, p. 221)

THIS ONE IS IMPORTANT!!

If an Assembly is handling a case in which the state has exclusive interest (such as child abuse, sexual molestation, battering, severe neglect, etc.), it must be careful not to interfere with the established legal procedures. For example, most states require all suspected cases of child abuse to be reported to the civil authorities. In those states, Bahá'í institutions would be legally required to report all such cases to the appropriate social service agencies. In addition, many states require persons in certain positions, i.e. teachers, doctors, etc., to report these types of cases.

(Compilations, NSA USA - Developing Distinctive Baha'i Communities)


You have to get out of there. I know it's hard, but do you really want to be with a family that treats you like this? Years down the road after you separate they will see the error of their ways. One of the reasons you hesitate leaving is because of the EFFECTS of the abuse, making you feel powerless, weak, vulnerable, and downright scared. But if you don't leave, they will never ever ever have any reason to reflect on their own ways, and you will not have the opportunity to remotely live a normal life. For the sake of your own life, you MUST leave.

If I was in Australia, I would get my spare bedroom ready immediately and get your bus/train/plane ticket for you. Any Aussies out there ready to help this poor soul out?