Dating / Courtship

Dec 2010
2,056
Australia
#11
i agree this guy sounds egotistical. True I dont know him. But he should set teh same standards for you as he sets for himself. If he allowed to check out other women you should be allowed to check out other men. Not a good place to start a relationship- with double standards. Those things should be warning signs..
 
Dec 2010
2,056
Australia
#12
It doesn't sound like a good sign to me that he wants to get to know other people to investigate them. I'd want my boyfriend to be happy with, and excited about me and not feel the need to scout around looking for someone he might feel more for.
Yes exactly you are a genious!!!
 
Oct 2012
6
Vancouver
#13
Trying to read between lines, it sounds as though there was some degree of physical display of affection (you don't have to say anything in this regard, but why else would he want to break up and be 'friends'), -and that maybe he feels a bit guilty about it, and/or that he is unsure about how he feels about you, or both. It is obvious he is attracted to you though, hence the jealousy.
First, thank you so much Rani for your response. Everything you wrote lines up perfectally. Yes, there was a degree of physical affection and now he feels guilty about it. The funny thing is he can't help himself but to do small acts of physical affection even after we have broken up. He says it's hard for him because he's so attracted to me. I have been very kind and loving while helping support in what he says he wants (which is ONLY friendship)

He has mentioned about no kissing and hugging before and I'm not sure he knows that is not a "law" I think however he just feels some guilt for the affection he has shown.

I feel the same that I would hope that my "boyfriend" would be happy enough with me to not feel the need to "investigate" others. He is NOT wanting to sleep with others.. I feel pretty confident about that.. but just the idea that he has stopped telling me how much he loves and cares about me makes me sad.

I told him that in order for us to be even friends he still has to be nice to me and treat me with compassion. Sometimes he can be very cold, which I would not accept from any friend of mine.

Deep down I know what a great match we are. I usually have excellent intuition. I am torn between just relaxing about it and being purely friends with him and continue taking Ruhi classes with him and serving the community. As long as there is no commitment, I will continue to date others too.
The other part of me, feels very frustrated and upset about the situation and thinks it might be better for me to cut things off with him completely and go my own way to heal. It is very difficult being around the man I love when he won't as much as touch me.

Each day I pray and and I am thankful to know I will be ok no matter what happens. The hardest part is for the first time in my entire 29 years on the planet I don't feel afraid or scared to marry and fully commit myself to someone.

Thank you Rani!
 
Oct 2012
6
Vancouver
#14
To be really, really direct about situations like this, when I've been in them I don't want to hurt the other person (obviously), but I am not responsible for figuring out their insecurity problems for them. If they're so insecure they think I deserve a double standard uh they can seek professional help.

Women make a lot of mistakes trying to "fix" men and their problems. I prefer to keep looking for one that doesn't need fixing it just makes more sense to me.
Hi Emilia,
Thank you for your comments. When reading your post it really hit me. I do feel like I can help my ex become more secure (he is quite insecure) He is going for professional help but I honestly think it's making things worse. I don't think the psyc sees the reality of things and how he really acts when he's not sitting in the office of the psyc.

Slowly I am seeing how I might be very stupid for wanting a relationship with this man so badly. I am trying to investigate why I feel so much with / for him. I want to be honest with myself and not be interested in him for the wrong reasons. I don't want to fix anyone.. however I know myself and I am a nurturer at heart and can't help myself sometimes.

27 years of marriage is wonderful!!! I know it's possible and I love hearing examples of this. My parents just had their 36th anniversary.
 
Oct 2012
6
Vancouver
#15
I believe I remember something about the "no commitment until marriage", but forget where I read it this year.
Wow... I feel a weight taken off my shoulders after reading your full post! Everything you write is exactly what my ex says.


I think to some degree Baha'is are encouraged to not go steady, at least unless they are very seriously considering engagement and marriage. Otherwise, you get serious, and maybe too physical, with one person and are not leaving yourself open to the "right' or best person for you.
This is exactly what my ex says. He tells me he doesn't even want to date anyone because even that is too much commitment. He just wants to get to know characters. This is the first time he is seriously trying to follow this and I think he doesn't exactly know how to handle himself. Therefor sometimes he comes off as mean, or cold. Or he creates these double standards.
When I asked if he wanted me to date others and he clearly said NO.. I first thought that meant he was only interested in me.. the next day I asked some clarification questions and he said the only reason he said that is because he would be jealous if I was seeing others, however he said I'm free to do so. When I said I would.. he reallllly didn't like that. C'est la vie.


It does sound like your boyfriend was realizing he was getting either too interested physically or too carried away emotionally too, letting his feelings for you take away important objectivity about his present and future. If he is trying to behave especially, and desires to keep your interest, then I would not worry too much that he is not ready for commitment, as I don't think we owe that to anyone until engagement.
Yes, for the first 2 months of our relationship we spent almost every day together. Things got very serious very fast and he later told me this was to much for him and it wasn't working. He eluded to it was because he was unhappy with his actions.

Wendybird, this is something I don't feel knowledgeable about.. do some couples really just stay friends for a while and then one day one partner decides they want to be engaged? Does this really happen? I'm sure it must, but it's such a new concept for me!
I feel scared and reluctant to just take a breath, relax and trust in this process.


Your message was exactly the perspective I was wanting to hear, since it's the one that I feel I know nothing about and feel very confused about.
Thinking more and more about it, I need to investigate if this is the path I want for myself in life. I am wanting to marry and start a family one day and worry if I just wait around not knowing if the other person is moving in the same direction too with me towards marriage then I could just be waiting around for a while. Especially if we are truly ONLY friends.

I have a lot to meditate on now. Thank you.
 
Oct 2012
6
Vancouver
#16
i agree this guy sounds egotistical. True I dont know him. But he should set teh same standards for you as he sets for himself. If he allowed to check out other women you should be allowed to check out other men. Not a good place to start a relationship- with double standards. Those things should be warning signs..
Yes, this guy is a bit egotistical. Well, more than a bit actually. I need to look at things with a very clear picture. Is this really the man I want to be married to? Several very big red flags.
I am confused and torn.
 
Aug 2012
295
USA
#17
Insha'Allah you will find the answers you seek :) Keep in mind that we often have the answers to our questions, we just don't usually like the answers!
 
Dec 2010
2,056
Australia
#18
Yes, this guy is a bit egotistical. Well, more than a bit actually. I need to look at things with a very clear picture. Is this really the man I want to be married to? Several very big red flags.
I am confused and torn.
some men have huge comittment issues. I witnessed one of my best friends pass up all these great opportunities at different women cos hed find tiny things in them he didnt like. At the time i was depressed and couldnt date anyone but i remember thinking if i wasnt id never let all the nice women go that he had had a chance with.
I dont understand it but i think its just immaturity.
 
#19
...do some couples really just stay friends for a while and then one day one partner decides they want to be engaged?...I am wanting to marry and start a family one day and worry if I just wait around not knowing if the other person is moving in the same direction too with me towards marriage then I could just be waiting around for a while.
People tend to eventually get to a point where they know what they want, whether they've been dating or learning about many people or just one.
If you are open with each other and can see each each other in many different situations/conditions, and you are both at a point in your life where you are ready for a relationship, then it seems like you should not have to wait real long time for you both to decide whether you have something great together. Follow your heart plenty, but let your mind watch out for you. MANY guys/people will keep you hanging on when they are not too serious about being serious. Give things a reasonable amount of time, whatever you feel that is.
We learn and have special memories from each relationship, but don't stay overtime, as our moments are precious...
 
#20
Also have faith that your whole journey through life, and all your interactions/relationships, has special value though. Marriage might not be more satisfying than dating. Enjoy the moment, open your heart to all of life, be happy ALL along your way. Otherwise we expect too much from one relationship, and miss all the rest life has to offer. This lets a guy off the hook of having to be such a superman. We just want a partner, one no better, or less maybe, than ourselves: a human with whom to love, share, trust, and grow - one we can depend on to some degree, but who our love allows to overlook their faults, as they do ours.
 

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