I can't get my life back

Jul 2017
421
Olympia, WA, USA
#1
About a month ago I returned to a forum I had left about a year ago owing to a falling out with the forum owner who does not like the Baha’i Faith. He is an atheist, but the forum is supposed to be for believers, nonbelievers and ex-believers. I have been on it for about five years off and on but there is a predictable pattern and I don’t think it is a coincidence. Whenever I start presenting logical arguments for God or the Baha’i Faith, one moderator who is an agnostic starts criticizing me, telling me “I've told you before that you've given so many people in this forum such a bad impression of Bahai that people who might have considered it in the past, now never will.” He will not tell me what I have done when I ask. I was never rude or critical of anyone on that forum, although I was insulted constantly. All I ever did was present accurate information about the Baha’i Faith, usually only when asked. The thing is that he is nice to me when I first come back after I leave and then he stabs me in the back with a comment like that. It really hurts not because I care what people think of me but because I make a special effort to be nice to him and then he says that out of the blue.

There is also an atheist there who insults me constantly, even though the forum rules say no personal insults. Now there is a Christian who is insulting me but nobody does anything about it. I have always liked the owner and trusted him but as soon as I present anything about the Baha’i Faith he always has something to say that is negative. Mind you, he knows a lot about the Baha’i Faith because he spent a fair amount of time on Planet Baha’i and listening to me on his forum, and he did research. But he thinks that the UHJ is hiding original writings they won’t release for translators and he thinks the Baha’i Faith history is a lie and that the alternate history is the truth, that Baha’u’llah was not the one the Bab named as the promised one. Of course, he is a staunch atheist so he does not believe in God anyway, and he thinks that God would never have Prophets if he did exist.

So tonight I told the forum owner maybe I should leave and he said maybe that is best, but I don’t know what that means. A part of me just wants to leave that forum and all forums, but I do not know what I would do with myself after that because I have devoted all my free time to forums for over six years. I am a pretty worthless Baha’i for anything else, but I know a lot about the Faith and I can write well and communicate to people.. But what good does it do? Nothing ever changes. If there was just one receptive soul that would given me hope, but there is nobody.

There is one atheist poster I have been posting to for five years and nothing has changed. He thinks that if God existed God would communicate directly to everyone in the world, instead of using Messengers, and this is so ridiculous that I am sucked into explaining why God does not do that over and over again. Now he says Baha’u’llah has been proven a false messenger because He said that Jesus was a Messenger of God. But tonight I decided I was not answering one more post from him although I answered a one-liner about God.

My life is pretty much over and I cannot get it back now. I cannot turn back the clock and get back the last six years. I have lost almost everything for these forums because Baha’u’llah said the following and I took it literally. If he did not mean it He should not have written it.....

“O ye beloved of God! Repose not yourselves on your couches, nay bestir yourselves as soon as ye recognize your Lord, the Creator, and hear of the things which have befallen Him, and hasten to His assistance. Unloose your tongues, and proclaim unceasingly His Cause. This shall be better for you than all the treasures of the past and of the future, if ye be of them that comprehend this truth.” Gleanings From the Writings of Bahá’u’lláh, p. 330

Everything in my life has gone to hell, my house, my yard, all my rental homes, my finances. What else is left? I still have my health and my husband but that is all. I only have my husband because he is a Baha’i and he understands why I have been doing what I am doing. It is not that I want or need anything for myself, but I have a lot of responsibilities and I cannot do all that and also do what Baha’u’llah has asked me to do. But it is too late now anyway, because I cannot fix all the problems I have caused by not tending to my real world duties, so I figure I might as well continue on the forums.

I wish I were dead if I even stop to think about what my life has become, but I do not want to go to the afterlife, ever. I hate the idea of living forever. All I can think about is living forever in hell because that is all I have ever known in this life. I want nothing to do with Baha’is except on forums because the Baha’is in my community have a life and I don’t. I feel like an island onto myself because I take what Baha’u’llah wrote too literally, and I do not think any other Baha’i would ever understand how I feel. On the other hand, I am not even fit to even be a Baha’i because I can’t do anything for the Faith except go on forums. I have wanted to hand in my card but I can’t because I still believe in Baha’u’llah.

The irony about all this is that I do not even like God, let alone love God, I am just trying to do the right thing by Baha’u’llah. I wish I knew what God wants me to do but He is not talking. I am in so much pain. Doesn’t God even know that or care? Sometimes I think He does care and the message is that I should not care about my material world life because it just does not matter. If I believe what Baha’u’llah wrote it doesn’t matter....

“Wert thou to consider this world, and realize how fleeting are the things that pertain unto it, thou wouldst choose to tread no path except the path of service to the Cause of thy Lord. None would have the power to deter thee from celebrating His praise, though all men should arise to oppose thee.
Go thou straight on and persevere in His service. Say: O people! The Day, promised unto you in all the Scriptures, is now come. Fear ye God, and withhold not yourselves from recognizing the One Who is the Object of your creation. Hasten ye unto Him. Better is this for you than the world and all that is therein. Would that ye could perceive it!” Gleanings From the Writings of Bahá’u’lláh, p. 314
 
Likes: arthra
Sep 2010
4,521
Earth
#2
Allah'u'abha Trailblazer. I have watched your journey on a few forums for a few years now and it is all part of what life offers us when we accept the Message of Baha'u'llah. I ahve not seen you on RF for a while.

"Meditate profoundly, that the secret of things unseen may be revealed unto you, that you may inhale the sweetness of a spiritual and imperishable fragrance, and that you may acknowledge the truth that from time immemorial even unto eternity the Almighty hath tried, and will continue to try, His servants, so that light may be distinguished from darkness, truth from falsehood, right from wrong, guidance from error, happiness from misery, and roses from thorns. Even as He hath revealed: "Do men think when they say 'We believe' they shall be let alone and not be put to proof?" [Qur'án 29:2]

One has to find a balance in life with teaching and with living life. To neglect either is not what Baha'u'llah has taught. We can have a busy working life and if we do that in a spirit of service, then this is worship. Thus what a bounty, we can work all day to earn for family, friends and community, always mindful of God and it is worship.

I see over the last few years that events in your life are showing you that a balance needs to be found, you have posted many of the difficulties you have had.

I also see that the Love of God is an important part of life one needs to come to terms with. Have a look at this link, see if you can find a trigger that may help you move forward and find a solution to your current difficulties;

Dealing with Tests and Difficulties

Regards Tony
 
May 2018
111
New Zealand
#3
Dear Trailblazer,

Your situation brings to mind the quote/saying "you cannot serve from an empty vessel" we must first fill up our own spirit so that we my serve others from the overflow.

Take the time you need to replenish your spirit.

Kind regards,
-T
 
Jul 2017
421
Olympia, WA, USA
#4
Allah'u'abha Trailblazer. I have watched your journey on a few forums for a few years now and it is all part of what life offers us when we accept the Message of Baha'u'llah.
And we are supposed to grateful for it, but sorry, I am not. It is a living hell, and this explains why I opted out of "being a Baha’i" for 42 years of the 48 years I was a Baha’i on paper. I was never stupid. I can figure things out. I am a bit impulsive though, so I made a hasty decision to give the Baha'i Faith another whirl back in 2013.
I have not seen you on RF for a while.
I have been gone because I went back to that other forum, and I don't have time to post on both forums, but depending upon what happens there I might be back on RF. My Premium membership expired so I have to decide if I will renew it. It is difficult to navigate RF with all the advertising.
"Meditate profoundly, that the secret of things unseen may be revealed unto you, that you may inhale the sweetness of a spiritual and imperishable fragrance, and that you may acknowledge the truth that from time immemorial even unto eternity the Almighty hath tried, and will continue to try, His servants, so that light may be distinguished from darkness, truth from falsehood, right from wrong, guidance from error, happiness from misery, and roses from thorns. Even as He hath revealed: "Do men think when they say 'We believe' they shall be let alone and not be put to proof?" [Qur'án 29:2]
I know this but I am sorry Tony, I cannot believe in a benevolent God who tortures the humans He created just so they can prove their love for Him, because it is cruel. I cannot really see the benefits to us, but maybe I will see them in the next world.

I believe in God but there is no reason to believe He is benevolent, no evidence. The Writings are not good enough for me. No doubt this is the effects from posting to atheists 24/7 for five years, but they do have good points.
One has to find a balance in life with teaching and with living life. To neglect either is not what Baha'u'llah has taught. We can have a busy working life and if we do that in a spirit of service, then this is worship. Thus what a bounty, we can work all day to earn for family, friends and community, always mindful of God and it is worship.
I see over the last few years that events in your life are showing you that a balance needs to be found, you have posted many of the difficulties you have had.
I know all about the balance thing but I am not good at it. I still have my job, but I could retire if I wanted to. I just don't have time to figure out all the logistics. If we did not have three houses I would not have all the problems that I do, but it is not that easy to just sell them and I would still have one house anyway.

I do not NEED anything for myself do I do not need to fit that into my schedule. I have the cats and they are the only thing that matters to me, aside from my husband and the Faith.
I also see that the Love of God is an important part of life one needs to come to terms with.
I do not know if I will ever come to terms with it in this life. The best I can do is not hate God, and that is an improvement. Little by little, day by day.
Have a look at this link, see if you can find a trigger that may help you move forward and find a solution to your current difficulties;
Dealing with Tests and Difficulties
Thanks for the website.
 
Likes: tonyfish58
Jul 2017
421
Olympia, WA, USA
#5
Dear Trailblazer,

Your situation brings to mind the quote/saying "you cannot serve from an empty vessel" we must first fill up our own spirit so that we my serve others from the overflow.

Take the time you need to replenish your spirit.

Kind regards,
-T
Thanks. I do try, but maybe I need to try harder.
I came here to replenish my spirit. :)
I seem to know intuitively when that is needed.
 
Last edited:
Sep 2010
4,521
Earth
#6
I know this but I am sorry Tony, I cannot believe in a benevolent God who tortures the humans He created just so they can prove their love for Him, because it is cruel. I cannot really see the benefits to us, but maybe I will see them in the next world.
I see it is our own self that does this, not God.

We ask of God in prayer and God gives what we need for the answer.

So if we say we beleive and we want to serve the cause, then opportunities are given. As we partake of these opportunities we have ro be mindful of the advice and laws given. It is that advice and those Laws that we are tested by.

Baha'u'llah has said to associate with like minded souls, as association with the darkness feeds the darkness. Slowly but surely the darkness can extinguish the light. Each of us have to choose and find the balance, the balance can be found in what Baha'u'llah has said. One thought is that If you give the message and it is rejected, move on and leave the soul to themselves.

Sorry I have to go to work. Stay strong, stay happy as this crisis will abate and you will grow from the experience. It is hard to feel and see this in the midst of the crisis.

Regards Tony
 
Likes: Trailblazer
Jul 2017
421
Olympia, WA, USA
#7
I see it is our own self that does this, not God.

We ask of God in prayer and God gives what we need for the answer.
With all due respect, God is unknowable so nobody really knows what God does, they just believe they do.
So if we say we believe and we want to serve the cause, then opportunities are given.
I believe this because it is in the Writings and because I see it happening in my life.
Baha'u'llah has said to associate with like minded souls, as association with the darkness feeds the darkness. Slowly but surely the darkness can extinguish the light.
That puts us in a Catch-22 because we do not need to teach the Cause to like-minded souls.

I choose to sacrifice my Light to help those who are in darkness. They are not Christians or other religious people because they have their own Light and they have no interest in the Baha'i Faith.
Each of us have to choose and find the balance, the balance can be found in what Baha'u'llah has said. One thought is that If you give the message and it is rejected, move on and leave the soul to themselves.
In that case, I would just leave everyone and move on to someone else. I cannot operate this way, and that is why I went back to that forum I had left. I have no goal of making Baha'is, I just share. People do listen to what I say and they remember it. They are seeds planted and may or may not ever grow.

That said, we all have to operate in our own comfort zone and do what we are equipped to do. We are all very different. But I know when to pack up my bags and move on. I am either very intuitive or I am being guided by God, or both.
Sorry I have to go to work. Stay strong, stay happy as this crisis will abate and you will grow from the experience. It is hard to feel and see this in the midst of the crisis.
It is not really a crisis; it is my everyday life. I can choose to accept it or drop out of the Faith and give up. So far, I have chosen to accept the call to duty and it has not killed me yet. :rolleyes:
 
Likes: tonyfish58
Sep 2010
4,521
Earth
#9
That puts us in a Catch-22 because we do not need to teach the Cause to like-minded souls.

I choose to sacrifice my Light to help those who are in darkness. They are not Christians or other religious people because they have their own Light and they have no interest in the Baha'i Faith.
We can discuss, but if you have all the answers, why discuss? We all learn from our exchanges, we can all let go of our own ideas :):lol: ha ha...maybe not!

Who are like minded souls?

The light of God is virtues, it is the virtues we have to implement within our own selves and what we only look for in others.

Like minded souls are thus those seeking virtue. This can be any person on this planet, we can only know by the light we look for. If one has 10 bad and one good quality, it is the good we see them with.

Baha'u'llah has said that those that disbelieve in God are neither trustworthy or truthful, the two most important virtues. Thus a starting point may not be those that do not beleive in God, they must at least be open to that there could be. One would end up arguing endlessly and Baha'u'llah said that is when we are both wrong.

Sorry I will look at the rest of your post tonight, sorry I always cone across as blunt, my wife says it is because I see all as black and white.

Regards Tony
 
Likes: dale ramsdell
Jul 2017
421
Olympia, WA, USA
#10
every time i see your username, it gives me hope.
keep on blazing that trail with a force of a thousand suns with a smile on :hug:
Thanks, but I cannot imagine why such a hopeless person would give you hope. o_O
But I guess I will have to post here more often because giving people hope is one reason I post. :)