Love & Marriage Help - Parents agreed but disagreed later

Oct 2011
4
Earth
#1
Allah'u'abha Bahai Forum-ers,

I need advices and help.

I've been a Bahai since birth, and my parents are Bahais too. I'm fell in love with this Bahai girl and she is the sweetest and greatest person in my life. She is of a different color too.

She and my parents met, and things were getting along fine. Until I mentioned things like not wanting to stay together with my parents after marriage and my parents started disliking her for "influencing" me.

Please help
 
Sep 2010
1,758
Louisiana
#2
How old are you?

How old are you two? Do you have jobs, are you finished with school? Why do your parents expect you to stay with them?
 
Oct 2011
4
Earth
#3
I'm 27 and she's 24. We're both working with steady income. She lives with her parents while I stay in another city away from my parents, I seldom go back home because I commit to Bahai activities at my current residence and my job.

My parents are in their 50s. My parents afraid that when their old, no one will take care of them and they want to dedicate their time with grandchildren. I have 3 younger brothers still schooling in college, 2 live with my parents.
 
Last edited:
Jun 2006
4,315
California
#4
Allah'u'abha Bahai Forum-ers,

I need advices and help.

I've been a Bahai since birth, and my parents are Bahais too. I'm fell in love with this Bahai girl and she is the sweetest and greatest person in my life. She is of a different color too.

She and my parents met, and things were getting along fine. Until I mentioned things like not wanting to stay together with my parents after marriage and my parents started disliking her for "influencing" me.

Please help
I'd suggest meeting with your Local Spiritual Assembly as they know you better and maybe they can consult with your family...
 
Sep 2010
1,758
Louisiana
#5
Ouch

I'm 27 and she's 24. We're both working with steady income. She lives with her parents while I stay in another city away from my parents, I seldom go back home because I commit to Bahai activities at my current residence and my job.

My parents are in their 50s. My parents afraid that when their old, no one will take care of them and they want to dedicate their time with grandchildren. I have 3 younger brothers still schooling in college, 2 live with my parents.
The best scenario would be to be able to tell your parents that you are already away from home and that when they do need you, that bridge will be crossed when you get there. They surely do seem attached to you. I would want to get the idea across that you had never intended to get married and come live with them, that no one had to influence you to think that. Where did that come from? Has that been assumed? It's very unusual. I almost wish people could do that and be a happy family and live in extended groups. I could not do it. It may become an economic necessity in the future like Japan.

I do not know that it is accurate to refer all personal problems to an LSA. This would seem to be in the purview of counseling which perhaps an LSA could reccommend. Ideally you need to convey your thoughts to your parents. Parental permission for marriage should not be mixed with parents desires to have a child care for them, at least to me, b/c that is a separate issue and would seemingly have nothing to do with your choice of someone to marry."We will give you our permission if you and her promise to care for us in our old age..." seems to be a wrong use of permission.

Perhaps a way to start talking is to explain it is with surprise that you learn that they expect you to marry and come live with them, that you had not envisioned that and go from there. Without a huge mansion of a house I have trouble picturing it, then it could be difficult anyway.
 
Sep 2010
4,424
Normanton Far North Queensland
#6
I'm 27 and she's 24. We're both working with steady income. She lives with her parents while I stay in another city away from my parents, I seldom go back home because I commit to Bahai activities at my current residence and my job.

My parents are in their 50s. My parents afraid that when their old, no one will take care of them and they want to dedicate their time with grandchildren. I have 3 younger brothers still schooling in college, 2 live with my parents.
Very unusual situation - You are already away from home? So what will change with that situation apart from you being Married?

Remember family is very important. Maybe you could all get together & discuss your issues. With consultation I am sure you could all work out a solution :yes:

Regards Tony
 
Nov 2013
27
Toronto
#7
Maybe your parents intepret not wanting to live together a disrespect to them or not wanting to take responsibility to take care of them? It seems that more work need to be done regarding their intepretation which triggered their fear rather than the fact that you are not living with them.
 

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